Halloween is the spookiest of all holidays, but to tell you the truth, most of its iconic characters aren’t all that scary. Blood-sucking vampires are nothing but folklore; Frankenstein (or to you literary nerds, “Frankenstein’s monster”) is pure fiction. Ghosts? They (possibly) don’t exist. And witches, the poor things, are simply misunderstood. But mummies? Mummies are fucking terrifying, because they actually exist and have every right to rise from the dead to torment us.
Mummies were once real people who, in an effort to die with dignity, went to great pains to ensure they’d enter a glorious afterlife. Then a few thousand years later, some random schmoes break into their tombs, steal their corpses “for science,” and start subjecting them to all sorts of machines like MRI scanners and whatever the hell was responsible for this nightmare. Their rage toward us is warranted. And now, there’s another indignity for mummies to contend with: the IHOP Monster Mummy Burrito.
Fight every urge you have to avert your gaze from this monstrous beast, and instead stare deep into its cold, soulless pickled jalapeño eyes. Consider this burrito a test of your courage for the inevitable day when you come up against a real mummy, reanimated and hellbent on revenge. These are the eyes you might be staring into one dark and stormy night. This burrito is shrouded in the pallor of doom, which at IHOP tastes like luscious Poblano queso and sour cream.
The IHOP Monster Mummy Burrito will strike fear into your heart, so your stomach will need to take the wheel. The limited-time-only menu item is full of scrambled eggs, sausage, ham, bacon, hash browns, shredded cheddar and jack cheeses, and avocado. Devour the mummy with sadistic glee. Eat the eyes last, so it can watch you destroy it. Walk into IHOP hungry; leave a fearless warrior against the army of the undead. Sleep easy knowing that when the mummies come, you’ll be ready.