I’ve spent nearly three decades cultivating food habits that would make Miss Manners yartz up her crumpet. I dip my fries in enough ketchup to blanket the shores of Guam. I spit cherry seeds into my trash can with a ping. Just yesterday, I took a large bite out of a block of cheddar cheese, leaving the rest of the block in the fridge with a noticeable half-moon bite mark. But no behavior is quite as shameful as the Burrito Suck, my preferred method of bean extraction. At least, I thought it was shameful—until I realized I’m not alone in my depravity.
The Burrito Suck is a covert maneuver, best performed in the privacy of one’s home or vehicle. It goes a little like this:
1. Acquire burrito. The burrito must be a Taco Bell bean burrito. The suck doesn’t work with hefty Mission-style burritos like the kind you see at Chipotle. Generally, the more filler you have in your burrito, the harder it is to achieve a good suckle.
2. Hold burrito vertically. Grip should be firm, but forgiving. The way you’d hold a misbehaving ferret.
3. Assess the burrito’s Upper Bean Load (UBL). Give it a gentle shake. Poke the burrito with your finger. Is the bean concentration higher on the right side of the burrito or the left?
4. Penetrate burrito. Take small bite out of upper corner of burrito. Make sure to aim for the corner with the highest UBL. (For example, if the left side seems flat, take a bite out of the upper right corner.)
5. Commence Burrito Sucking. Place your lips firmly on the hole you’ve created. Hoover the initial beanage through said hole. Keep on sucklin’ until you hit dry tortilla.
I can’t remember when or why I started suckling my T-Bell burritos like some kind of bean-crazed piglet. I imagine it’s a holdover from my weird childhood, which was characterized by all sorts of freaky food habits (nibbling pizza slices into perfect ovals, scraping dried ketchup off of plate with fingernail, et cetera). Either way, I’ve always felt alone in my rampant suckery, too embarrassed to discuss the practice with anyone outside of my immediate circle. Anyway, it’s not like it naturally comes up in conversation.
But recently, I realized that I’m one of an entire community of burrito-suckers. Twitter users are discussing the merits of sucking the beans “from out the bean burrito booty to keep it from spilling out.” Others are realizing the similarities between bean burritos and Go-Gurt. Meanwhile, talk radio deejays are encouraging their listeners to Suck That Burrito.
Turns out, we live in a world full of burrito suckers. These high-class individuals know the Lord’s truth: that sucking beans through a small hole is a uniquely satisfying textural experience. I’ve finally found my people.
There are two lessons to be learned here. One: You’re never as gross as you think you are. I guarantee you that there is at least one other person out there who shares your penchant for burrito-sucking, ketchup-licking, or pizza-nibbling. The other lesson: Do not type “suck burrito” into the Twitter search bar. Just take my word on this one. With that caveat in mind, happy suckling!