How to make a boutonniere and corsage with a Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit

Illustration for article titled How to make a boutonniere and corsage with a Red Lobster Cheddar Bay Biscuit
Photo: Juan Camilo Bernal / Contributor / Red Lobster (Other)

It’s May, and prom season is upon us! It’s been 22 years since I went to prom and my high school years have been lost to the sands of time. Boutonnieres and corsages are a requisite part of every nice prom getup, and that’s one thing that hasn’t changed yet; this is reassuring and makes me not feel so decrepit. And of course, as Red Lobster is the true gift that keeps on giving, the world will now embrace fancy prom accessories made from delicious, salty, and greasy Cheddar Bay Biscuits.

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To make things easier, Red Lobster has shared an informative video on Twitter (if you find things like this informative) on how to create these biscuit corsages. Basically, all you do is glue (either with Elmer’s or hot glue) a biscuit to your anchor decoration of choice, like plastic leaves or whatnot, and you’re good to go. Simplicity at its finest. That being said, I have a lot of concerns.

First of all, there’s no way that the lapel of a suit jacket won’t get grease stains on it. Or, if you brush your corsage against your fancy, likely expensive dress, it will also get an oil stain. Perhaps Red Lobster should have teamed up with Tide to promote those priceless detergent pens that remove oil spots. If you’re renting your clothing, I feel like you’d get dinged on a security deposit or something.

Second of all, what about the smell? As marvelous as those Cheddar Bay Biscuits are, you would surely get scent fatigue, wouldn’t you? I know I would. Co-mingle that with the smell of some form of scents like perfume, cologne, or Axe Body Spray, and you probably have a recipe for olfactory distress.

And third, speaking of disaster, there’s no way those biscuits wouldn’t lose structural integrity along the way. Imagine a slow dance with a biscuit mashed up between two people. Or just general wear and tear from moving around all night, or maybe even from snacking on it too hard.

But really, we all know that this is for the real Red Lobster lifers, the ones that have the passion and the love for Cheddar Bay Biscuits. For Red Lobster isn’t just a restaurant for expensive seafood and Endless Shrimp, it’s a true lifestyle.

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Staff writer at The Takeout. Also: Saveur Humor Blog Award Winner, professional pizza maker, and insufferable troublemaker.

DISCUSSION

FATHER OF TEEN DAUGHTER DOESN’T UNDERSTAND WHY SHE WANTS TO ACCEPT A CORSAGE FROM ‘BISCUIT BUM’, WHEN SHE COULD DATE THE SON OF HIS BOSS AND GET A STEAK AND LOBSTER CORSAGE
“HE’S EVEN WILLING TO GET YOU A TIARA THAT HOLDS MELTED BUTTER!”