While we were all distracted by Aunt Becky’s involvement in the college admissions cheating scandal (code name: Operation Varsity Blues), Michelle Janavs, one of the other 52 people facing federal charges, was quietly pleading guilty to bribery and fraud. Janavs isn’t a household name, largely because her unofficial title consists of six words nobody has ever thought to put together: heiress to the Hot Pocket fortune. But now that we know such a thing exists, Janavs is now the only person I want to talk about. I want to see the inside of her mansion; I want to know what her shampoo smells like; I want to know if she had a pony growing up, and if she did, was it named Princess Pepperoni. I am livid that the media has wasted decades focusing on the likes of Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, and Ivanka Trump while we had an heiress of Hot Pockets to check in on. I am angrier about this than the crimes this woman committed, which we will now delve into.
Princess Hot Pocket paid $100,000 to William Rick Singer, the mastermind “consultant” behind the college admissions scandal, to have one of Singer’s associates take the ACT exam in place of Janavs’ two daughters. She paid Singer an additional $200,000 to help get one of her daughters into USC; the money was used to bribe a college athletics official who designated her as a recruit for the school’s (*checks notes*) beach volleyball team. Seriously, how has everyone been sleeping on this Hot Pockets–adjacent story! Let me offer a heartfelt apology to all of you, our dear Takeout readers, for failing you at this crucial moment in our nation’s history. (Though I did eat 35 Hot Pockets in four days for your benefit, so it’s not like I completely let you all down. Right?) I first learned about this story from Steak-umm.
After discovering the fraud, USC rescinded their admission offer to the youngest Hot Pocket heiress. Now that she’s been denied entry to one of the country’s most prestigious colleges, she’ll just need to fall back on the $2.6 billion her family made when they sold her grandfather’s company to Nestle. As for her mother’s fate, which will be decided today in federal court, prosecutors are seeking 21 months in prison, though her lawyers are arguing for probation.