Created by a Nebraska-born cowboy in the 1950s, Hidden Valley ranch dressing has become synonymous with American palates. It’s an inoffensive and thus nearly universally loved testament to populism, excess, and the fact that no one likes raw vegetables. So what is its next, innovative permutation? A product that recognizes America’s proclivity for dipping every damn food in ranch, folds that on itself, bottles it, and sells it back to America. Behold your new god: Ranch-dipped-pizza-flavored ranch.
It’s something out of Inception, really: Hidden Valley has bottled the flavor of ranch-covered pizza and is now encouraging us to dunk more foods in it. Am I lucid dreaming right now? Are you real? Am I? The product’s website suggests dipping potato chips in the dunking-flavored sauce, which frankly sounds great, as do French fries and chicken nuggets. Even the casual phrasing of the marketing is sublime: “Pizza and Ranch—the combo that inspires passion in everyone. Now that they’re together in one rich, creamy dip, you can add a third thing.” Third thing better than two thing. Duh.
Further products in this line of “Blasted creamy dipping sauces” include Zestier Ranch and Bold Buffalo, which—wait just one damn minute—is also a similarly incepted product: ranch-dipped-buffalo-wing-flavored ranch. The mind boggles. No disrespect to Neil Armstrong or Thomas Edison or Susan B. Anthony or anything, but a celery stick dipped in ranch-dipped-buffalo-wing-flavored ranch might just be our finest example of American accomplishment.