When he’s not impatiently tapping his foot, eating animated pizzas, or cracking wise with Huey and Louie, he’s working as a writer, director, actor, author, comedian, you get the idea. His dance card is full. (Also: Jean-Ralphio!)

Yet he took the time, during the Television Critics Association’s summer press tour, to help The Takeout solve one of the world’s great mysteries.


The Takeout: Ben, one question.

Ben Schwartz: Please.

TO: Is a hot dog a sandwich?

BS: Why is everybody asking this?! You know the other one that’s big is, would you rather fight one 100-foot duck, or 100 one-foot ducks?


TO: We’ve never heard that one.

[A brief discussion of the merits of fighting 100 tiny ducks followed with those nearby. It was heated and thought-provoking, but does not concern sandwiches, and besides, everyone must answer such questions for themselves. We at The Takeout would pick the 100 one-foot ducks. We return to the topic at hand.]


BS: Okay! Define what you think a sandwich is, because many people say if it has two pieces of bread, then it’s a sandwich.

TO: We’re on the fence.

BS: You’re on the fence about what’s a sandwich?

TO: I really don’t know. Every time somebody makes an argument, I’m swayed. But I’m also trying to stay neutral.


BS: Do you consider a hamburger a sandwich?

TO: We think we do?

BS: Okay, then you have to consider a hot dog a sandwich. Although, the bun is connected a little bit more. I love that we’re doing, like, a tight ten on this.


TO: Okay, so if you had to choose.

BS: I would say that if you tell me that a hamburger is a sandwich, I would say that B would equal that a hot dog is a sandwich.


TO: And if a hamburger is not a sandwich?

BS: I can’t get into that right now. How dare you?!