Update, February 12, 2020: Hickory Farms has bouquet’ed 21 ounces of salami, and it can be yours for $49. If three logs of salami is sufficient to convey your love, well, that’s great, and you have two days left to purchase some. (And we have two days left to keep updating this post with things wrapped in tissue paper claiming to be bouquets.)
Update, February 11, 2020: We wanted to alert our DIYest readers to one more Valentine’s Day promotion, which allows you to demonstrate your artistry rather than buying something. Tyson’s “Chicken Nugget Bouquet Contest” kicked off yesterday and will award $10,000 (and a year’s supply of Tyson chicken nuggets, naturally) to the person who crafts the best-looking nug bundle. Tweet it to @TysonBrand with the hashtag #nuggetbouquetcontest. We know there are veritable virtuosos out there who only need this little push to create a meatsterpiece.
Original post, February 6, 2020: Valentine’s Day is enjoyed by many but sacred to no one. If you celebrate it, that’s great! Go ahead and enjoy your night out (or your night in). If you refuse to recognize its existence, that’s also great—just don’t act smug and superior about it. Everyone needs something to look forward to in the post-holiday winter months.
And most of all, that goes for retailers, who cling to Valentine’s Day as a way to crawl up out of the Q1 slump. In desperate merrymaking and harried brand-building, these companies bust out some odd and occasionally unsettling ideas for celebrating this not-so-hallowed holiday. Here they are, for your reading pleasure.
Philips 3200 Series Espresso Machine With Milk Frother
The one you've waited for
This machine brews espresso, espresso lungo, americano, and regular coffee, as well as steams milk and dispenses plain old hot water.
Qdoba for a Kiss: On February 14, if you purchase an entree at participating Qdoba locations and also kiss “anyone or anything” as you order it, you will receive another entree of equal or lesser value for free. I want to personally clarify that “anyone” you kiss should give their express consent before you head for their face, and “anything” should be remotely sanitary before it meets your lips. Qdoba suggests kissing your significant other, a printed photo of a celebrity crush, or the burrito you just ordered. I’m sure you all have even better ideas.
Burger King Breakup Boxes: In a cross-promotion with the movie Birds of Prey, which comes out tomorrow, Burger King will have “breakup boxes” stationed at select locations on Valentine’s Day. If you drop off a printed photo of your ex (or a piece of their clothing or gifts you received from them during your relationship), in the box you’ll receive a free Whopper in return. I don’t know how directly related or wildly tangential this is to the plot of Birds of Prey. Sorry. I just haven’t the faintest idea.
DoorDash Tattoo Cover-Ups: Okay, so half of this promotion already happened, but there’s still time to get in on the second half if that’s something you want to commit to doing. According to DoorDash-provided statistics, 63% of Americans have a tattoo of an ex that they regret. So three contest winners were flown to L.A. earlier this week to have a professional tattoo artist cover up these regrettable tattoos with a new tattoo of their favorite food—because “Food is Forever.” That part of the promotion is over. We apologize. However, from February 7-14, anyone who already has a tattoo of food can post a picture to Twitter with the hashtag #FoodIsForever. The first 100 people to post will receive a $25 DoorDash credit to put toward their Valentine’s Day dinner.
And now, a list of bouquets you can snack on:
- This Edible Arrangements “Burning Love Bouquet” (in which chocolate-dipped strawberries are dusted with spicy chipotle chili flakes)
- This make-your-own Olive Garden breadstick bouquet
- This $29.99 BAE-by Back Ribs bouquet at Boston Market
There. If that’s not enough dazzling Valentine’s inspiration for you, you can do what I do: go buy some candy and be done with it.