Bigger is often better, at least in reference to ice cream scoops, one-bedroom apartments, and parallel parking spaces. But some things are known for their bite-sized charm—Goldfish crackers, for example. As my editor Marnie Shure astutely pointed out, “the best thing about Goldfish is that you can serve yourself a cupful.” But now, Goldfish is debuting Goldfish Mega Bites, which the brand calls a “bigger, bolder, cheesier ‘reboot’ of the classic Goldfish that kids of all ages have enjoyed for nearly 60 years.” The launch begs the question: How mega is too mega?
In a press release sent to The Takeout, the brand explains that the Mega Bites are a “permanent addition to the Goldfish lineup,” coming in at precisely 50% larger than regular Goldfish. Why the mega crackers? Per the release, they were created “specifically with adult consumers in mind.”
Adults are larger than children, so I suppose it would stand to reason that adults require larger crackers. But history tells us this hasn’t always been the case. The release explains that Goldfish were first introduced to the United States in 1962, “originally offered as a snack to be served with cocktails, showing up at local watering holes, pubs, bowling alleys, dinner parties and more.” Goldfish wasn’t strictly marketed as a kids’ snack until the brand added smiles to the crackers. At that point, Goldfish ostensibly lost their icy-cold exterior and edgy street cred, becoming more after-school snack than bar snack.
Now, the brand wants to lure adults back with... a big cracker. “This is the first time Goldfish has created a snacking experience specifically with ‘Grown Up’ tastes in mind,” said Janda Lukin, chief marketing officer of Campbell Snacks, in the release. “We’re at the start of a new chapter for the brand and are expanding our offerings and appeal to all age groups—in the college dorm, snacking at your desk, wherever that is these days—while remaining a snack for all families.”
I can’t help but notice that the Mega Bites are conspicuously lacking that signature Goldfish smile. Adults hate smiling marine life, I suppose. Regardless, I don’t know about you, but I’ve been snarfing down Goldfish this whole time. They’re the perfect snack! I don’t need a large cracker to nourish my large adult body. I need a lot of tiny crackers served in a glass measuring cup or a salsa bowl or a beer stein. That’s what being an adult is all about.