Listen carefully. You’re going to want to do exactly what we say.
Head to your local bank or ATM immediately. Withdraw as many $5 bills as you’re able. Proceed toward the nearest table full of conscientious-looking preteen girls outside of your local grocery store, animal shelter, or village hall. Throw all the fives down on the table and tell the girls to keep the change as you sweep their towers of bright and cheery boxes into your wheelbarrow. You did bring your wheelbarrow, right?
Welcome to Girl Scout cookie season.
The goods hit the market yesterday, and all the classics are in play. Samoas, Thin Mints, the obviously superior Tagalongs—every heavyweight accounted for. The new cookie this year will be Lemon-Ups, a crispy lemon cookie stamped with broadly empowering messages for young girls, such as “I AM A LEADER” and “I AM A GO-GETTER.” (Presumably these slogans apply to the industrious girls doing the actual cookie-peddling, but the first-person construction risks instilling undue pride in all who eat them.) Last year’s debut of a caramel chocolate chip cookie might have seemed rather staid at the time, but it’s starting to look pretty good next to a box of cookies that are all clamoring to tell you about their work ethic.
Nitpicking aside, America loves these cookies, and it’s best to go buy some before you second-guess their prices. If you don’t personally know any Girl Scouts, you can download the Girl Scout Cookie Finder App on iOS and Android. Don’t forget your wheelbarrow.