Photo: John Moore / Staff (Getty Images)

Nearly $6,000 has disappeared from the coffers of a Girl Scout troop based in Chicago’s Logan Square neighborhood, and it was allegedly swiped by the freakin’ Troop Leader and her freakin’ assistant.

A thoroughly reported piece from Block Club Chicago notes one important thing, right off the bat—these volunteers have not been charged with anything; as a result, they aren’t named in the piece. In lieu of their names, we’ll just refer to them as Those Assholes. According to WGN, Those Assholes are the troop’s leader and an assistant; according to us, they are pieces of shit.

Several months ago, one of Those Assholes stopped coming to troop meetings, responding to some emails but not others. Then one day another email came in:

At the end of March, that same volunteer emailed a troop specialist, saying the troop’s cookie money had been stolen from their apartment. She provided a police report number to parents that Chicago Police later determined was a fake report number.

In an email that referenced the fake report, the troop volunteer said she kept the money in a Girl Scouts binder and it was later taken from her apartment.

“The report was called in to 311 when it was discovered missing and we were giving a ‘tracking’ number T18003215. We’ve requested an emailed copy and will forward to you ASAP,” the email read.

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Block Club Chicago confirmed with the police department that the number was bogus. The total amount missing was $5,700.

But hey, Those Assholes didn’t stop there! The parents also discovered that checks they had written the organization never made it to Girl Scout HQ. Instead, Those Assholes forged the signatures of the parents, and cashed the checks in their own Asshole names. Then they cut off communication.

The parents, predictably, asked the Girl Scout organization for help, which is when they learned that The Asshole charged with keeping the funds had been flagged as “unable to handle money in a background check.”

Julie Somogyi, vice president of member and mission engagement for Girl Scouts of Greater Chicago and Northwest Indiana, said what the parents perceive as a dangerous lack of transparency is actually respect for the volunteers’ privacy.

“There are certain protocols. We have to gather information, we have to get the documentation and then we proceed with actions. A lot of it is done outside of the public view because we do respect that everyone has a right to their privacy,” Somogyi said.

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Charges have not been filed, as law enforcement told the parents that only the organization could do so, and as of yet, that hasn’t happened. However, a spokesperson told Block Club Chicago that there’s an investigation into misconduct that is “somewhat [related to] the same topic.”

There are assholes in the world, and some of them are very famous and powerful assholes. But let’s not overlook the everyday, run-of-the-mill assholes either, because These Assholes are assholes.