Whole Foods offering Thanksgiving “turkey insurance” to cover culinary calamities

Grandmother and granddaughter smiling and basting turkey
Can you spell “deductible,” little girl?
Image: Jose Luis Pelaez Inc (Getty Images)

Thanksgiving is in two weeks, and The Brands are in full promo mode. That’s why Whole Foods Market and Progressive Insurance have teamed up for what appears to be the world’s first poultry insurance scheme: the Thanksgiving Turkey Protection Plan. According to the promo website, participants can cash in on a $35 Whole Foods gift card if they accidentally commit a “turkey cooking fail,” a somewhat broad term that brings to mind visions of blood, viscera, and charred wishbones.

To be eligible for the plan, shoppers must obtain a Whole Foods brand turkey between November 11 and 22. If your bird pops out of the oven looking like total garbage, you can then visit TurkeyProtectionPlan.com to submit a claim, although all claims must be submitted on November 26 or 27. The first 1,000 claims will score a $35 Whole Foods gift card, meaning they can presumably ride the gravy train all the way back to the poultry aisle for a consolation bird. Or spend it all on candy.

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According to a Whole Foods press release, the promo is targeted toward first-time turkey preppers navigating unusual Thanksgiving circumstances in 2020. “As we anticipate more smaller Thanksgiving gatherings and first-time cooks tackling turkey preparation this year, the Thanksgiving Turkey Protection Plan allows customers the freedom of culinary exploration, knowing all is not lost should their cooking go astray,” said Theo Weening, vice president of meat and poultry at Whole Foods.

I secured my Popeyes Cajun Turkey weeks ago, so I’m already covered. I am, however, curious as to what constitutes a “turkey cooking fail.” I imagine the fail can be relatively innocuous, like a parched Christmas Vacation-style bird. But I also like to think the policy covers true turkey disasters—like, I don’t know, accidentally knocking the thing out of a fifth-story window and beaning your neighbor in the skull. Nothing a $35 gift card won’t fix, I suppose.

Staff writer @ The Takeout. Pork shoulder princess @ Chicago.

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DISCUSSION

priest-of-maiden
Priest of Maiden

Fuck Whole Foods. They didn’t let their employees wear poppies for Remembrance Day, claiming it wasn’t part of the uniform and a political statement. They changed their position after immense public pressure.

Fuck Whole Foods.