HBO’s Game Of Thrones swiftly coming to a close, and now The Takeout’s watch begins. In the few episodes this series has left, many questions must be answered, many truths revealed, many aunts kissed, and many awkward courtyard stares delivered. But of all those questions and stories left to be explored, the most crucial is this: Who’s got the best dinnertime spread?
The answer this week is no one, and not in a fun, Faceless Man kind of way. That said, GoT’s most food-related segment offered a feast of a different kind: a daughter of Winterfell, feasting on the fact that she’s the smartest person in the room. (Sorry, Tyrion, but she drinks and knows more things.)
Here are two winners and losers of this week’s Game Of Scones And Meats And Stews And Wines.
Winner: Sansa Stark, rationing champ
“May I ask how are we meant to feed ‘the greatest army the world has ever seen’? While I ensured our stores would last through winter, I didn’t account for Dothraki, Unsullied, and two full-grown dragons. [shady pause] What do dragons eat, anyway?”
Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) may have gotten the last word in this exchange (and in defense of the Breaker of Chains, “Whatever they want” is a pretty sick retort), but Sophie Turner’s Sansa Stark ultimately won the day by pointing out that massive armies need massive amounts of food, and maybe it would have been good to think about that before hauling ass to the Great White North. Her much-needed practicality and common sense get a nod from Arya (Maisie Williams) later in the episode as well, when she defends her sister to Jon by calling her “the smartest person I’ve ever met.”
+20 for acknowledging basic human needs and trying to address a major supply problem before it starts; -5 for not having snacks at the meeting.
Losers: Drogon and Rhaegal, travel tummy sufferers
Daenerys’s dragons don’t much like the North, apparently. How much are they eating?
That sounds reasonable. What do you think, O Great Stormborn One?
But wait, I thought they could eat whatever they want?
+10 for self-sufficiency, +18 and +11 for still eating kind of a lot in general even if it’s not much for them, -35 for a bad case of travel tummy leading to possible starvation, +5 to Sansa for still being right.
Winners: Cersei and Yara, ridders of Euron
Cersei Lannister, Queen Of The Andals And The First Men, noted wine enthusiast and current occupant of the Iron Throne, is one of only three people to take the time for a little sustenance in this premiere. Ser Bronn quaffs a little too, but he does a bit of a spit-take when he hears that he might have a wee case of the pox.
+10 for sizable wine pour, -5 for not laying down a base of grapes and biscuits or something first, +5 for kicking a dude out so one can enjoy one’s wine in peace.
Yara Greyjoy, on the other hand, wins in two senses. First, her insufferable pirate captor Euron Greyjoy has a flask of something, and while he doesn’t share it, the time he spends drinking from said flask is time he doesn’t spend flapping his jaws. This guy sucks, so that’s a victory.
Second, she gets freed from his crappy ship, and presumably gets to eat a whole lot of fresh salmon afterward.
+5 for not having to listen to this asshole quite so much, -5 for not getting any of the booze, +7 for going from famine to feast, -5 for not showing us the salmon.
Losers: These poor schmucks
Could you eat after seeing this?
-100, can never eat crab again.
Tormund and company: -100
Winner, week one: Sansa Stark