Emilia Clarke
Photo: HBO

In “The Last Of The Starks,” those that survived “The Long Night” ate food and drank wine. They also learned an important lesson:

Presumably, everyone but Varys (and Sansa, Brienne, Bran, and Tormund, safe in the north) learned it all over again this week, because they were all in one of two situations likely to induce some serious ralphing. For everyone not named Daenerys Targaryen, they were in a city full of burning people who were also maybe stabbed in the guts, and that probably didn’t smell great, even without the fact that they were also swallowing lots of ash. For Daenerys, she was probably pretty carsick from all those leisurely figure-eights she had Drogon doing through King’s Landing as she roasted people alive, just because.

So, no celebrating, with or without vomiting. Here are the winners, losers, and winner-losers of this week’s Game Of Scones And Meats And Stews And Wines.

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Winner: This asshole

Pilou Asbæk
Photo: Helen Sloan (HBO)

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Oh, Euron Greyjoy. Dude wanted one thing, and one thing only, for no apparent reason other than that he’s an asshole who loves chaos and toxic masculinity: He wanted to kill Jaime Lannister. Now, technically, Jaime Lannister killed Jaime Lannister, with a little help from old Drogon, but hey, Euron kind of helped. Also he spit up all that blood, which could maybe sort of be considered eating, if he swallowed some of it.

+15 for accomplishing goal, -10 for not really accomplishing said goal, -5 for being super dead, +2 for iron supplements

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Loser: Literally everyone else, including us

I suppose specifics might be warranted. Let’s do this.

Loser: Daenerys Targaryen

This about sums it up: What Dany wanted vs. what happened.

The ‘power corrupts’ story is perfectly in keeping with George R.R. Martin’s novels; there’s also something to be said for Dany’s rigid, merciless perspective on loyalty and justice serving as a parallel to Ned Stark’s equally rigid perspective on right and wrong, albeit a more chilling one. His got him killed. But Game Of Thrones seems a lot less interested in what power does to people than in the idea that this bitch is just craaaaaazy, amirite?

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I don’t have time to write thousands of words unpacking why this is so fucked. Suffice it to say that it’s not that she did it, it’s how they, the writers, did it, up to and including the ridiculous positioning that makes it seem as though she became a mass murderer and war criminal because her nephew didn’t want to bone her anymore. Is Dany a charismatic leader who has always been capable of ruthlessness and self-delusion, or is she a crazy bitch? The former is much more interesting. The latter is what we got in this episode.

And she didn’t even take a snack up on that dragon.

Loser: All Lannisters

No one’s plan worked, no one is happy, no one is even drunk. And Tyrion’s going to be dead any freaking minute now. Hope he gets a couple good pints in first.

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Loser: Arya Stark

The Hero Of Winterfell got talked out of a years-long quest, and it ultimately saved her life, at least for the time being. But she also ate a lot of pavement, then had to feast on the heavy-handed image of literally riding a pale horse, making her death personified. Sweet.

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Loser: Jon Snow

Could not have fucked everything up more badly, and missed dinner.

Loser: The Brothers Clegane

Both died in flames, the worst fear of the brother we like. No snacks.

Loser: Qyburn

Got tossed like a sack of potatoes. That’s a food reference.

Loser: Varys

Could at least enjoy a meal with the satisfaction of knowing he was right, but he’s dead, so.

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Loser: Grey Worm

Now a war criminal.

Loser: Drogon

He roasted all those people and then couldn’t even munch on them because they were so overcooked.

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Unknown: Davos Soupworth

He had the same shitty experience as everyone else, but Tyrion did ask him for a favor we didn’t see, so maybe he smuggled out some people, some food, or both.

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Loser: The audience

Like I said, it wasn’t what happened, though that is obviously horrifying. It’s how it was handled (badly). Plus, it was all so gross that I didn’t eat any of my meats and cheeses. I did, however, drink some whiskey.

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+50 for me for drinking whiskey, -60 to everyone, including me, because of all the rest of it, -100 to Drogon for ruining his own meals, over and over again

Winner: Ghost

Photo: Helen Sloan (HBO)

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A very good boy, who was not there to see (or smell) what happened.

+40 for being well rid of the lot of them and hopefully chasing rabbits somewhere

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Results

Euron Greyjoy: +2

Everyone else except me, Drogon, and Ghost: -60

Me: -10

Drogon: -160

Ghost: +40

Winner, week five: Ghost

Honorable mention: Maisie Williams

Maisie Williams
Photo: Helen Sloan (HBO)

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For selling the shit out of this and every other scene she had in the whole episode. A girl deserves an Emmy nomination.