Photo illustration: Alexis Jakobson

I am deeply ashamed to admit this, but as a teen I was one of those girls who refused to eat around people I had crushes on. It was antithetical to everything I stood for as a young feminist, but it was one of those things I picked up from a society that demanded I be thin and clean and put nothing in my slightly open mouth but my future husband’s penis and spinach salad.

You didn’t want to be the girl with fried chicken grease on her face when the super hot hottie who worked at Gadzooks was around! Apparently, there are still foods you should avoid if you want to get yourself laid.

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According to a study by the online dating site Zoosk, people who mention foods like guacamole and chocolate in their dating profiles get more inbound messages than gross-os like me who are into yams and fried chicken.

Yams are super healthy, y’all! I like to roast them in a batch and bring them to the office for lunch! But apparently those who mentioned them in online dating messages saw a shocking 70 percent decrease in inbound messages. Is this a language issue? I call them sweet potatoes. Is that cuter?

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I’m a married lesbian and find fried chicken consumption sexy so I’m clearly not the target audience here, so here are some other foods you shouldn’t mention in your dating profiles if you want to attract a lover:

  • Burritos (7 percent decrease in response rates)
  • Fried chicken (7 percent decrease in response rates to your message, 15 percent decrease in inbound messages)
  • Pizza (seriously WTF is wrong with people?! — 6 percent decrease in response rates)
  • “Carbs” (2 percent decrease in response rates)

There is more information here about what food emojis are the most popular (🍆 - big shocker there) and what foods people do find attractive, but you should probably just give up on love and live alone with your fried chicken and sweet potatoes because everyone sucks anyway.

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