Photo: Hill Street Studios (Getty)

Ahoy, ye readers of The Takeout. Will ye be wantin’ to get some grub without surrendering a single doubloon on this here Wednesday? Avast, and pilot yer motor vehicles to the hideout of that scurvy cur Long John Silver, and should ye speak in that most refined of languages, the speech of the pirate, ye shall plunder oh fuck it I can’t do this anymore. “”

Talk Like A Pirate Day began in 1995 in Albany, Oregon, when, per CNN, two friends, John “Ol’ Chumbucket” Baur and Mark “Cap’n Slappy” Summers, decided they should have a whole day where people talk like pirates. They selected September 19 because it was the birthday of Summers’ ex-wife: “The date was stuck in my head, and I wasn’t going to do anything with it anymore,” he told CNN. Dave Barry picked up on the idea in 2002, and lo, a new ridiculous day was born.

In a piece of insanely on-the-nose marketing, Long John Silver’s is choosing to use the occasion in its favor, and will be offering free food to anyone who can bring themselves to walk into a Long John Silver’s and talk, or dress, like a pirate. I cannot bring myself to write one more ‘avast’ or ‘ahoy’ or ‘shiver me timbers’ or ‘whalespouts be frothin’, ye deck-ticklin’ collysnicker doodleparrot peg-leg wearer,’ so I shall pop the details into SpeakPirate.com:

Yo-ho-ho! Stop by a Long John Silver’s today, talk like a pirate, and git a free deep fried Twinkie for yer trouble. If you’re feeling really ambitious, dress up like a pirate, or at least wear some stripey pants and a blouse and a big hat and some eyeliner, and you’ll git a free Fish & Fry.

For the record, the only changes were the addition of the ‘yo-ho-ho’ and the ‘gits’ and ‘yers.’

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Free food can be good, and if you love Twinkies and pirates I am so happy for you, but I can’t bring myself to wear cow stuff to Chick-Fil-A for free food, much less dress like a windchime for some LJS’s. I shall merely content myself with waiting for burrito’clock to arrive.