Photo: HEJARU (iStock)

On Monday, Pasco County, Florida deputies arrested a 41-year-old woman on a charge of domestic battery after, they allege, she popped some hot sauce into her husband’s eyes.

FOX 13 in Tampa uses the words “threw” and “pour” to describe Esmeralda Lopez’s reported actions. Those are different things. Regardless, deputies say the husband and wife got into an argument in their Lacoochee home. According to FOX 13, Lopez “struck her husband in the face before pouring the hot sauce into his eyes.”

In an affidavit, investigators note that “this was done against the victim’s will and without his consent,” and holy shit, I sure hope it was. Hot sauce, in the eyes? Still, the details in this story leaves a number of hanging questions. Such as:

  • Threw? Like a fistful of hot sauce, thrown through the air? Or poured, like poured?
  • A few or many drops of hot sauce in the eyes?
  • And by drops, was it administered like Visine?
  • Are we talking Sriracha? Unicorn Tears? Tabasco? Cholula?
  • Can we assume it was a pretty mild hot sauce, as there are no reports of the man running screaming into Tampa Bay, begging for relief?
  • Or was one of those “dare” hot sauces with a name like “Burn Ya Ass?” (And furthermore, would one of those 500,000 Scoville unit sauces be considered a felony, while a Crystal Hot Sauce would carry only misdemeanor charges?)

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He may not have taken off in a cyclone of pain, but he was transported to the hospital. Deputies say that Lopez admitted to the argument but denied the assault.

Mild or not, I think it’s safe to say that all hot sauce is hot hot sauce when it’s seeping into your eyeball.