Photo: Juana Arias/for the Washington Post

Martin County Sheriff’s deputies arrested Maeli Aguilar-Alvarez, of Indiantown, Florida, in mid-December for shoplifting “a full rack of ribs,” two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and an unspecified quantity of mashed potatoes from a grocery store, the TC Palm uncovered earlier this week.

Law enforcement spotted the culprit when he removed the aforementioned ribs from his pants just outside the Rines Market IGA. Police charged the alleged thief with retail theft of the groceries valued at $32.49.

Although only the ribs were cited as inside his trousers, it begs the question: What spectacular pair of pants could fit a full rack of ribs, two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and an unspecified quantity of mashed potatoes? Can we purchase this at REI? Furthermore, where is the best placement for ribs inside your pants? Front or back?

Aguilar-Alvarez reportedly smelled of alcohol. His pants, we would presume, smelled far more delicious.