Shrimp & Grids: Corn On The Cob Gone Wild edition

Lauren Conrad at the 2018 Baby2Baby Gala Presented by Paul Mitchell
Lauren Conrad at the 2018 Baby2Baby Gala Presented by Paul Mitchell
Photo: Steve Granitz/WireImage (Getty Images)

Welcome to another installment of Shrimp & Grids, the column where we dissect the meals of Instagram’s most followed. Why would we subject ourselves to such scrolling? Because whether we like it or not, the influencer economy is shaping what we buy, wear and yes, eat. Let’s dig in!

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Chaos on the cob with Sommer Ray

Ah, the existential awe of encountering an Instagram profile with 26 million followers and no mutuals. It’s the online equivalent of staring into the night sky and feeling like a small speck of nothing. Anyway, this is Sommer Ray. She’s 24 and came to online fame as a 16-year-old bodybuilder on Vine and YouTube. Today, she has millions of TikTok followers, who apparently tune in to watch her gyrate on the beach in bikinis that reveal 90% of her butt. Congrats to Sommer!

Here, we have a video of Sommer devouring some KFC with a group of friends. First, let’s note that the “hot, thin girls eating junk food” trope is alive and well. (There are tons of rude comments on Sommer’s post, but just imagine if a bigger person posted this video.) But I’d like to zero in on her corn on the cob strategy. Well, using “strategy” quite liberally. She eats ravenously, neither typewriter-style (horizontally) nor rolling pin-style (vertically); her mouth hops around the corn willy-nilly. It’s objective pandemonium. Imagine how many kernels Sommer is missing with such an undisciplined approach to this cob! Reader, I hope you take your corn-eating more seriously than this influencer does.

Are we influenced? By her corn on the cob style? Absolutely not, this is chaos. And I do want fried chicken now, but I’m more of a Popeyes girl. So, overall, no. Sorry, Sommer.


Lauren Conrad stars in The Nests

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The godmother of the modern influencer movement has arrived! Lauren Conrad, a.k.a. LC from MTV’s Laguna Beach and The Hills, is still out here being famous for no reason. We love to see it! Conrad is now a mother of two and is married to one of the guys from Something Corporate, bringing all my aughts dreams to life. Most importantly, though, she’s busy blogging about candles, bath scrubs, and her “relaxed, classic, California costal” design aesthetics.

In early April, Conrad celebrated Easter in cutesy Conrad fashion: little coconut-macaroon nests with mini candy eggs. She initially posted the recipe in 2014 (it’s been taken down, unclear why), but another site re-blogged it. Very cute, great for little kids, love macaroons. What strikes me is how deeply early 2010s Lauren Conrad continues to be. Not only is she still carrying on with the (apparently successful) lifestyle brand, but she’s literally recycling posts from the Obama administration. And, you know what? I respect that. No use reinventing the wheel, LC.

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Are we influenced? Respectfully, no <3


Hey! Eyes on the olives, pervs!

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New mother Emily Ratajkowski is out on the town! The model/actress/Bernie Sanders enthusiast gave birth to her first child, Sylvester Apollo Bear—a name!—on March 8. About a month later, here she is, enjoying (what looks like) a martini. Sending this to my pregnant friends and informing them they have 27 days post-labor before they have to hang out with me again. It looks like EmRata and I both take our martinis extra dirty. I’m counting at least three olives in there, but the reflections give the appearance of a glass stuffed with olives.

Predictably, the post is littered with strangers telling the Gone Girl actress to abstain from alcohol if she’s breastfeeding. (Also: dudes writing baby noises. Awful.) Thanks for your concern, random male Instagram user who constantly uploads photos of what he’s drinking! Despite the fact that EmRata posted a photo of herself breastfeeding (classic), this is none of our business! Congrats to Ratajkowski on the baby, and even more congrats to Ratajkowski on ordering what looks like an A+ cocktail.

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Are we influenced? Would commit high crimes for an extra dirty gin martini right now.

DISCUSSION

jcexc
JicagoChusticeExcession

Given that olives are the best part of a martini, a glass stuffed with like 30 of them would probably be sweet. If I weren’t so timid, I’d just order a glass of olives and a “super, super, dry- you know what, just cold gin” martini on the side.