On Sunday, the New England Patriots beat the Houston Texans, 27-20. On Monday, Patriots fans descended upon Dunkin’ Donuts location throughout New England, ready to smugly purchase discounted coffee. But even Dunkin’ has realized that Pats victories are boring as hell, because those thirsty football enthusiasts were met with nothing but disappointment, as Dunkin’ has put an end to its “Pats win, you win” offer.
Instead, it’s more like “Pats win....”
“Pats win, you win”(R.I.P.) allowed Pats fans in the New England area (and some parts of New York, too) to swing by for an $.87 medium hot or iced coffee the day after their team earned a victory. (87 is Rob Gronkowski’s jersey number; Gronkowski is a football player; Tom Brady sucks.)
The Boston Globe reports that the Boston-area Dunkin’ Twitter account spent most of Monday repeating over and over again that no, the promotion isn’t available anymore, but that customers were welcome to enjoy the currently ongoing ‘Sip. Peel. Win.’ promotion. They did not add, “we gave you ingrates 2.25 million coffees during the 2015 season, what more do you want?” Dunkin’ Donuts should give their New England-region social media person a big ol’ raise.
In a statement to the Globe, DD said, “While we have no plans for a Patriots-themed program at this time, our fans can enjoy our ‘Sip. Peel. Win.’ nationwide on-cup peel and reveal promotion into October.”
The Globe also notes that an Attleboro, Massachusetts resident who also happens to just loooove the New England Patriots was served an iced tea in a cup featuring the logo for the Patriot-defeating Philadelphia Eagles, which also bore the phrase, “Official coffee of the Philadelphia Eagles.”
As a result, the company will be offering samples of doughnut fries outside the team’s stadium on Sunday, “to show our love for Pats Nation after serving a few Eagles cups by mistake in Patriots territory.”
Enjoy your Donut Fries, Pats fans. They’re just okay. I hope the smell wafts into the locker room somehow and torments Tom Brady, because that shit is definitely not part of his diet.