Dave Grohl kicks coffee habit, side effects may include corn cobs up his pooper

Screenshot from FreshPotix video
None of us can say for sure that this is altogether unpleasant, now can we?
Screenshot: YouTube

Ten years ago the world learned about rock legend Dave Grohl’s debilitating coffee addiction, which his Them Crooked Vulture’s bandmate Josh Homme claimed was up to five fresh pots every day. It was... concerning.

After everyone had a nice long chuckle over what we assumed was yet another delightful Dave Grohl joke, the Foo Fighters frontman/sick son-of-a-bitch double crossed us, admitting that the video wasn’t a joke and we—the sadistic bastards laughing at a man in the throes of addiction—were the punchline all along!

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“We were in the studio making a record and I was drinking a lot of coffee. I was doing Vultures stuff at night, Foo Fighters stuff during the day and I had a newborn at home, so I was sleeping two-three hours a night on an air mattress in a guest bedroom,” he told the U.K.’s Absolute Radio. “And yeah, I had too much coffee, I started to get chest pains, so I went to the hospital and they told me to stop drinking the coffee.”

It’s been a decade since Grohl’s startling admission, during which time most people forgot all about it since a lot (a lot) has happened since then, and thinking about an American treasure suffering so badly was simply too much to bear. But by the grace of the old gods and the new, it seems Grohl has at last gotten the help he most desperately needs, thanks to a new (and unspecified) treatment called FreshPotix:

Thanks to Grohl’s previous shenanigans, we have no choice but to believe that this advertisement is, in fact, 100% true. Indeed, the look on Grohl’s face shows he’s a man who is finally experiencing the bliss of clean living, but also suffering from a particularly nasty case of weeping taint. As always, please keep Dave Grohl in your thoughts and prayers. 2020 wouldn’t be so cruel as to take him from us via an acute case of tinselscrote, would it?

Allison Robicelli is The Takeout staff writer, a former professional chef, author of three books, and The People's Hot Pocket Princess. Questions about recipes/need cooking advice? Tweet @Robicellis.

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DISCUSSION

That’s a pretty spot on satire of those confusing and terrifying pharmaceutical commercials that used to be illegal for good reason.

Dave Grohl is a Rock God and Josh Homme is a national treasure.