Dairy Queen's Big Red Spoon Is Missing And We Have Theories

A 15-foot-tall red spoon decorating the side of a Phoenix Dairy Queen restaurant was stolen last weekend, and the owners want it back. As seen in security camera footage, two people unscrewed the spoon from its base, took it, and zipped off on some kind of motorized bike.

Raman and Puja Kalra, the married couple that owns the Dairy Queen location, were upset at first, then confused.

"What are they going to do with a spoon?" Puja Kalra said to the Associated Press.

Even more intriguing is the fact that surveillance footage indicates the thieves appear to be pretty good at what they do.

"They were so precise about it like they had done it before," said Raman Kalra. "They just wiggled their way through and made sure the spoon was not damaged."

A new spoon would cost over $7,000 to produce and install. The owners just want the original one back, no questions asked. Though other DQ locations around the country have similar "selfie spoons," the location owned by the Kalra family is the only Arizona Dairy Queen that has the giant spoon.  

To encourage the thieves to return it, the Kalras are posting flyers at Dairy Queens around the metro Phoenix area. Additionally, the staff at the burgled DQ location will wear "Where's my spoon?" T-shirts, emblazoned with the red spoon and Dairy Queen logo. The spoon returner(s), should they ever materialize, will be compensated with one Blizzard of every flavor from the summer menu.

So, who would steal the spoon, and why?

I used to work at a novelty store, and based on my deep, deep well of experience, one giant red spoon might be necessary if:

• You need to travel by rowboat. You have one regular oar, but the last time you were at the oar store, you humiliated yourself and can never go back. The only remaining option is to steal the big spoon.
• You have a gigantic xylophone. The xylophone was dropped off at your house in the middle of the night with no mallets.
• You're in a theft boot camp program. This is part of your training to help you practice for bigger, better crimes.

Here's my real theory: In college, my best friend and I were roaming around at night and found a wooden cutout of this terrifying cartoon troll (?) figure out on the street. We took it home because we thought it would be funny to have it in our apartment. It turned out that a local artist with a passionate (and now angry) fan community made these troll things and left them around town as a fun surprise for people to admire, and that we were art thieves. We didn't return it because we were embarrassed, and also, the fervor of these fans was kind of scary. (Also, no offense, but you want to SURPRISE unsuspecting civilians with a SCARY, HAUNTING, DEAD-EYED wooden figure? Just paint Elmo or something!)

Maybe the spoon thieves thought that stealing the DQ spoon would be a fun way to decorate their apartment (I think they're roommates). It's so important to furnish your home with a statement piece as a conversation starter at parties, even if your actions have torn a community apart. May the spoon someday be returned to its original home.