Photo: Kevin Brine (iStock)

In the catalog of Things We Didn’t Think We Had To Confirm, a new entry: The Takeout can with certainty assure its readers that Dairy Queen’s burgers are not patties made of human flesh. You may carry on with your business.

Dairy Queen has issued such guarantees in the wake of rumors that its burgers contained not beef but human tissue. The rumor mill cranked into high gear last week after a federal raid on a Greenwood, South Carolina location. The manager of that location, Saif Momin, told local paper the Index Journal
a corporate inspector told him the raid had to do with a complaint regarding “human meat being inside a burger.” The raid, which happened in conjunction with raids at two other locations within the county, did not yield any arrests at the Dairy Queen.

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But that didn’t stop the cannibalistic burger theories. So pervasive were the rumors that both Dairy Queen and the Greenwood County coroner’s office had to go on record to dispel them. “At DAIRY QUEEN, we are very proud of our 100% beef hamburgers. We serve a high-quality hamburger with no additives or fillers,” the brand tweeted. The county coroner also dispelled the rumors in a story that ran in the Index Journal under the incredible headline: “Officials: DQ burgers aren’t made out of people.”

As both the coroner and the Dairy Queen manager mentioned, if any restaurant was serving burgers made of human tissue, logistics of that aside, the location would have surely been shut down and a warning issued to consumers. (Again, I cannot believe we are debating the finer points of fast-food human-flesh burgers.) Now that we’ve ruined your lunch appetite, may we suggest further reading on this topic?