Today marks one week since I tested positive for COVID-19, and I’m happy to say that I’m feeling pretty okay! Compared to millions of people, I have gotten off easy, all because of the three doses of the Pfizer vaccine I got for free. All I needed to do was search for a vaccination site near me, allow a hardworking healthcare professional to give me a painless shot, and collect a snazzy-looking sticker. Fantastic experience, 10/10 would recommend. One thing I don’t recommend as protection against COVID is drinking your own pee.
Sure, it’s free, and yes, you enjoy all the free refills you want. But when it comes to COVID-19, a disease that has killed millions of people and has pushed our healthcare system to the brink of collapse, drinking your own pee should not once enter your thoughts as a solution to the problem. I can’t believe I came back from sick leave straight into the arms of this video:
“The antidote that we have seen now, and we have tons and tons of research, is urine therapy,” says Key in a video that destroyed 100,000 of my brain cells in only 34 seconds. “Okay, and I know to a lot of you this sounds crazy, but guys, God’s given us everything we need.”
If you watched that video in its entirety, I’m sorry. If you couldn’t make it more than five seconds before your screams drowned out the audio, allow me to recap: Christopher Key, an anti-vaccine organization leader, has been traveling across the country with a flamethrower to conduct citizen’s arrests of Democratic governors and was recently arrested for criminally trespassing at a Whole Foods. Personally, I don’t think those are the proper qualifications for dispensing medical advice.
Key went on to say that while people might think he’s crazy for believing in the power of pee, urine therapy has “been around for centuries.” He also advised his followers to “take it with a grain of salt.” It’s unclear if he meant this metaphorically or as a serving suggestion.
“Now drink urine!” Key concluded. “I drink my own urine!” Meanwhile, I have managed to get through a bout of COVID without drinking a single drop of my own pee, which I chalk up to rest, hydration, and getting the fucking vaccine.