Right around December 18 every year is when I realize that, yet again, I’ve fully missed the boat—the boat being the United States Postal Service’s end-of-year delivery windows. Nothing I buy for my loved ones will arrive in the mail in time to be opened on Christmas morning, and nobody’s favorite restaurants seem to do electronic gift cards that I can send via email. This year, Coors Seltzer is seizing upon this seemingly universal panic by creating a perfectly lazy last-minute gift you can present to your family and friends: a feel-good certificate letting them know they helped save the rivers.
“You helped save a river!” the certificate cries to the recipient. The logic here is that the gift-giver has done the giftee a solid by drinking a 12-pack of Coors Seltzer and, in the process, done some good for the planet. Here’s the explanation on Coors Seltzer’s website:
For each 12-pack of Coors Seltzer you purchase, it helps us restore 500 gallons of fresh water to our rivers*. We do this by partnering with Change the Course to protect and restore the waterways that provide clean water to wildlife and millions of people in communities across the country.
Think of it like one of those “I bought you a star in the sky!” maps that were all the rage a few decades ago, but with the added benefit of being free to download only 5 minutes before driving over to your friend’s house to drop off a Christmas gift on their porch. If you want the sentiment on the certificate to ring honest and true, however, it is of course recommended that you actually buy and drink the seltzer to back up the claim. Because unfortunately, a piece of paper is only a viable gift option when it’s substantiated somehow. (We know. We think that’s unfair, too.)
If you have a friend who might be amused by your bare-minimum effort to show them that you care, you can download the certificate here. If you want to go to just slightly more effort, you can presumably buy Coors Seltzer wherever 90-calorie, 4.5% ABV sparkling beverages are sold.