KFC forces us to consider the existence of Colonel Sanders’ drumstick

Photo: marcoprati (iStock)

In a world that is already ideologically divided, society as a whole is about to be ripped even further asunder. From this day forward we shall all be forever divided into two camps: those who are down to bang Colonel Sanders, and those who are not.

On Tuesday, September 24th, I Love You, Colonel Sanders! Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator will be released on the gaming platform Steam, and workplace productivity levels are expected to slow to a crawl. Developed in tandem with game developer Pysop, KFC has created a virtual world where we can escape from the pressures of modern existence, taking on the role of a culinary student that’s studying alongside the juiciest, tastiest hunk of man-meat in the food world, a young Colonel Sanders (apologies to The Noid).

This game has everything: recipes, cooking battles, multiple hours of gameplay, a talking dog, a secret ending, and a proprietary blend of 11 herbs and spices. Your goal: win the Colonel’s love, become his business partner, grab a few buckets of coleslaw, and see where the evening takes you.

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After thinking really long and really hard about it, this intrepid reporter says yes, I would most definitely bang Colonel Sanders. That’s the sort of opportunity that, if I don’t jump on it, will haunt me for the rest of my life. Would he have been finger-lickin’ good? Would gravy have been involved? I don’t want to live my life wondering if Colonel Sanders was the one that got away. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll just spend some time focusing on my career, waiting every so patiently for the Ronald McDonald simulator that will at last make my all of my filthy fantasies a reality.

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About the author

Allison Robicelli

Allison Robicelli is The Takeout staff writer, a former professional chef, host of The Robicelli Argument Clinic Podcast, the author of three books, and a swan meat influencer.