Fast food mascots are cutesy at best, eerie at worst. (Ronald McDonald, if you’re reading this, stay far away from me. You have no business here.). I don’t know that we can expect too much from these mascots; after all, they exist to sell burgers and kids’ meals. But recently, I’ve been made aware of an artist who poses an interesting query: should fast food mascots look a little more, well, badass?
The artist in question is character designer and illustrator Coran Kizer Stone (no relation to me, Lillian Stone). They showcase their intricate designs on Instagram under the username @kizerilla. Takeout associate editor Aimee Levitt brought the account to my attention, pointing out one post in particular: a series of renderings of what Stone calls “Fast Food Fighters.” It’s Mortal Kombat meets fast food marketing, and it’s dope as hell.
In the post, Stone reimagines a series of fast food mascots as battle-ready avatars. There’s Ronny, a Ronald McDonald archetype tricked out in an afro and streetwear; there’s Burger King, a rugged, sexy Ned Stark type; there’s Wendy, a busty, muscled-out version of the Wendy’s mascot. The series also includes my personal favorite: Big Tex Arby, a Wild Bill Hickok-style outlaw representing Arby’s. Big Tex Arby has all of the fixings of a Wild West gunslinger, including a pair of six-shooters, a 10-gallon hat, and a handsome mustache covering his villainous scowl.
You can check out all of the fighters on Stone’s Instagram feed. This leads me to today’s question: if all the world’s fast food mascots were to engage in one final battle, who would win? My money’s on Big Tex Arby, but I could be biased given my love of bushy mustaches. Be sure to take speed, power, and overall deliciousness into account.