Mankind has no business exploring the deep sea. I believe this with every fiber of my being. I don’t want to know what’s going on below 3,000 feet; it can’t be anything good. And yet, enterprising fishermen continue trawling the briny depths, despite the fact that they could easily awaken some sort of disgusting seaweed Leviathan. Case in point: the Russian fisherman who recently discovered an ocean creature that looks like a revolting ocean hamburger. Put it back, sir! Put! It! Back!
The Daily Mail reports that the fisherman in question is Roman Fedortsov, a 39-year-old in Murmansk, Russia, who works on commercial trawlers and sometimes fishes up to 3,000 feet below the surface. ‘Twas there Fedortsov scooped up the cheeseburger fish. He posted a photo of the creature to his Instagram, where his 644,000 followers wait eagerly for pictures of his strangest fishing findings. (Do not click on the photo link unless you’re prepared to see something truly awful.)
“Is it a sea cheeseburger with teeth?” Fedortsov writes in the caption. “Or New chicken sandwich from some fast food restaurant?”
It is neither! It is horrible! It is the worst thing I have ever seen! It demands to be hurled back to the salty Hell whence it came! I beg you, do not view Fedortsov’s photo unless you’re prepared to be forever changed in the worst way. The only good thing about this post is the commenter who tagged their friend and wrote “actually no this is u.”
Anyway, I hate this stupid cheeseburger fish. I hate it just like I hate Fedortsov’s scary sea spider or this unidentified creature that looks like Jabba the Hut. Fedortsov disagrees. He told The Daily Mail that he loves his freaky fish, despite their horrid slimy attributes. “In their own way, all of these creatures are beautiful,” Fedortsov. Wrong, sir! Wrong!
Don’t come crying to me when you wake up with that thing eating your face, Fedortsov.