Check Out This Gnarly 1,695-Year-Old Bottle Of Wine

I am fascinated with old preserved food, like bog butter and ancient bread. I'm one of those people who instantly thinks, "Yeah, I'd try it." Because I'm a disgusting human being.

This brings us to a 1,695-year-old bottle of wine, which is truly an amazing sight to behold. You are going to stare at this thing while it stares at you. It was probably made by Romans in the year 325. The contents of this bottle have seen some real wars and shit. It's so old, it has its own telepathic language, but if it sends you any menacing urges, fight against them.

The author of the article surmises that it would have an "unappealing scent," but there's only way to find out, to which I heartily volunteer. I would gladly abandon all sense of my well-being to try something that appears to have turned into some probably toxic, sentient kombucha-looking beverage. When I say I "would," I mean, if it was allowed, but the no-fun Historical Museum of the Palatinate, where it's been hiding, is not allowing anyone to crack the seal, probably for the better of mankind.

What makes this situation even better is that scientists who have reviewed the bottle suspect that the contents are indeed drinkable, though not necessarily delicious. Like I said, I'll be the judge of that.

But how's it still in there? Old-ass bottles containing alcohol always seem to show most of it has evaporated, leaving a horrendous looking sludge at the bottom. This particular bottle has a sturdy hermetic seal with a combination of its waxy seal and olive oil on top, which has proved a defense against the ravages of time. When it was originally found in the basement of an abandoned house in Germany 100 years ago, apparently it was in the same exact, extraordinarily appealing condition.

I just wish I had found it first.