It’s possible that American sexual education has failed my generation. Without outside tutelage (ahem, Twitter), many of us are ill-equipped to proactively manage our own reproductive health. This knowledge gap apparently extends to comedy heiress Cazzie David, who seems to believe that eating a hearty meal prior to sex doesn’t leave “enough room for a penis.”
David, who is the daughter of comedian Larry David, released her first essay collection titled No One Asked for This on November 17. The Cut published an excerpt of one of the essays, “Too Full to F—-.” Behold, an anatomically baffling snippet:
For straight couples, there is one key difference between sex for the male and for the female: a woman gets a penis inserted into her while a man gets to insert his penis into someone else. That’s all nice and good. Sex is pleasurable for both genders. But from what I’ve discovered, only one gender has to save room in her body if a penis is to go into it — meaning that sometimes, if you’ve eaten a hearty meal, there isn’t enough room for a penis.
Sure, women can eat and then have sex. But they really can’t eat a lot. You know the saying “You can always make room for dessert”? Well, you can’t always make room for a dick. Especially if you’ve eaten dessert.
Hoo boy. Okay.
The excerpt has drawn a fair amount of ire from Twitter users, who called the piece “deeply, deeply unfunny” while marveling at the idea that a hearty meal could actually prevent vaginal intercourse.
At another point in the essay, David recalls explaining to an ex-boyfriend that she couldn’t eat ice cream if she hoped to have sex later. She makes the following claim: “I do not have room in my stomach for a full dinner, two handfuls of cream, and a penis.” Well, Caz, I don’t have room in my stomach for such things, either, which is why I will be having lentil soup for lunch instead of pulling an Alferd Packer on my boyfriend. Goodbye, cruel world—I am logging off for the day.