I love my cats more than my human children, because my cats might be reading this and I’m not sure what they’re capable of they’re superior to people in every conceivable way. I vow to spend every one of my days tending to their needs, catering to their whims, and doing other really nice stuff that can only happen if nobody eats me. Remember: I am a friend, not food, and if a situation arises where somebody in this house needs to get eaten, it should be my husband, who is the meatiest member of our family.


Fellow cat people: Are you sufficiently intimidated by your feline companions? Have they ever given you reason to suspect that you may be in danger? Did their poop command you to add your cat’s name to your life insurance policy?