In today’s news, it’s apparently pretty easy to catch members of a fringe group of angry white men bent on kidnapping a public official. All you have to do is promise them beer and chicken wings, and they’ll come a-calling. That’s how the FBI managed to arrest the individuals accused of plotting to kidnap Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer, Newsweek reports. This story has everything: wings, beer, and an undercover informant dubbed “Big Dan.”
The criminal chicken wing coalition includes four men currently on trial for their alleged role in the 2020 plot to kidnap Whitmer. Per Newsweek, the men planned on breaking into Whitmer’s vacation home and kidnapping her, allegedly because of the COVID-19 restrictions the governor had put in place. But with the help of an undercover informant known as Big Dan, the FBI was able to lure the would-be kidnappers to a warehouse where they were swiftly arrested. How? With the promise of Buffalo Wild Wings and beer.
The informant reportedly provided details on the plan in court. Big Dan took the stand to explain that he successfully infiltrated the group of would-be kidnappers, who called themselves the Wolverine Watchmen (sure, guys), and recorded their plans for seven months. Finally, he connected them with another undercover agent who promised the men that he had “free stuff to give away”—including explosives, alcohol, and food from Buffalo Wild Wings—and would meet them at a warehouse to make the exchange. The men showed up, eager to get their greedy paws on some sweet wings, and found themselves in handcuffs.
Imagine their dismay when they realized that they had been lured with lackluster chicken wings. Now, I certainly won’t kick Buffalo Wild Wings out of bed—but if you’re getting arrested by the FBI for criminal conspiracy, you better at least get some fried pickles. Behold, a brief list of foods that are, in my opinion, worth going to prison for:
- Delizza frozen mini eclairs
- A large Italian sub
- A stack of pancakes from the diner around the corner
- Big pizza (BIG pizza)
- Doritos (purple bag only)
Anything less seems like a dreadful waste. Sorry, boys. You got got.