Yesterday I started watching a show called Warrior on HBOMax, and it’s incredible. It was originally conceived by Bruce Lee in 1971, and in a way I’m happy that it had to wait 50 years to make it to television, because there is no way they could have gotten away with this amount of pure, furious ass-kicking in the ’70s. Set in 1870s San Francisco, this show is part noir, part kung fu, part Spaghetti Western, and all badass. I am aware that it’s already February, but I’ve decided my 2021 New Year’s resolution is to be able to kick a grown man in the face by Christmas.
Something I’ve been playing around with lately is frozen vegetables, and today, as I was opening a bag of Green Giant peas, I started wondering if I could take him in a fight if I were his size. Like, I just assume he’s strong because he’s really, really tall, but that doesn’t necessarily mean anything, does it? Plus, he’s jolly, so he’s probably not spending a ton of time practicing kicking people in the face. I am not a person who regularly engages in violence, but I grew up in Brooklyn, I’m pretty damn scrappy, and if push comes to shove I might just become very stereotypically Italian-American. (It’s like a werewolf thing.) Point is, I’m never going to start shit with the Jolly Green Giant, but if he ever came for me he’d definitely regret it, especially once I master the face kicks.
I then started looking around my kitchen for other corporate characters I could fight. I would never lay a finger on Tony Chachere. Paul Newman could kidnap my husband or try to steal the Declaration of Independence, and I would let him get away with all of it. Then there’s Mr. Peanut, who died and was resurrected around this time last year and has since rapidly aged into a 50-year-old man going by the name of Bartholomew Richard Fitzgerald-Smythe. I feel pretty good about my odds of kicking his ass.
Have any of you seen Warrior yet? Are there any food mascots you’d like to meet in a dark alley? Am I spending too much time inside my house?