I will snuff out the world with this spit-free birthday candle extinguisher

Colorized vintage photo of young girl blowing out candles on birthday cak
Photo: Constance Bannister Corp (Getty Images)

If all goes according to plan, the human race will be much more cautious with its spittle in the post-COVID vaccination period. That’s the idea behind a new invention that blows out birthday candles without showering the cake in little spit droplets. It’s aptly dubbed the Blowzee birthday cake candle extinguisher, and I will use it to extinguish the flame of my enemies one by one.

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United Press International (UPI) reports that 44-year-old Virginian Mark Apelt came up with the idea for the gadget while at a child’s birthday party (pre-pandemic). “We were at a kid’s birthday party with some friends and the sun was coming through the window at just the right angle so that you could see all of the droplets fly through the air and all over the cake when the kid blew out the candles,” Apelt told Virginia newspaper The Daily Progress.

Apelt was shaken by the spit storm, and immediately started brainstorming alternatives. “I thought there had to be something, some device already on the market, but there really wasn’t,” Apelt told the Progress. “Then, once the pandemic hit, we had a lot of time to think about it and a reason to work on the idea.”

Enter the Blowzee, which allows children to blow into a device that then releases enough clean air to blow out a candle. “There’s a little electric sensor in there, so when you blow into it, you’re activating the sensor, and it switches on the fan, and that creates enough clean air flow to blow out the candle,” Apelt told the Progress. He is now selling his invention online. I plan to purchase one posthaste for all of my extinguishing needs. Farewell, haters—you’re about to get extinguished.

Staff writer @ The Takeout, joke writer elsewhere. Wrangling dogs and pork shoulder in Chicago.

DISCUSSION

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send_in_the_drones

A complex solution to a simple problem.

The simple solution - stop lighting the candles.

If the practice had never been invented and someone just today said, “Lets put fire onto the top of a cake by shoving petrochemical sticks into the frosting and then igniting them, whereupon we’ll let one person blow spit at them to put them out!” Would that have an appeal?

And then I recall that people have been killed by explosive gender reveal devices.

Sigh.

At least it’s been a while since a grandmother was ignited by using Silly String on a flaming birthday cake. Let’s not repeat that.