Pour One Out For Whoever The Hell This Is

Welcome back to The Takeout's weird column about the food, or absence thereof, in the many corners of the Bachelor cinematic universe! I'm your host, Allison Shoemaker, and I, too, would like to spend the next several hours talking about Mike P.'s mom.

In the seventh week of Katie Thurston's Journey To Find Love, our heroine continues to produce her own lightly-improvised rom-com, gamely joined by a cast of dudes who fall into one of four categories:

• A) Those who absolutely know that they are in a Katie Thurston rom-com and act accordingly
• B) Those who honestly believe that they are in a Katie Thurston rom-com
• C) Those who have zero idea that they are in a Katie Thurston rom-com and are thus still operating under the mistaken assumption that they are actively competing on The Bachelorette
• D) Those who have a GIF face

It's a tough time to be in categories B and C, so let's not prolong their misery. If I could have your attention, please?

ABC

Let's do this.

Yes. Well. Sort of? Does it count if it's an oyster you spit into a plant and a piece of gum you stick on a wall?

DO NOT YELL AT ME IN THE COMMENTS, I LOVE OYSTERS, THOUGH I WOULD PERSONALLY MAYBE NOT EAT THE ON-CAMERA OYSTERS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DESERT, JUST ME THOUGH!

Katie's first one-on-one post-bloodletting is her second one-on-one with ol' sparkle-eyes Greg who, for the record, sure seems to be in category B. She takes him to a "recreation" of Seattle's Pike Place Market that's really just another section of the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort & Faux-Travel Wonderland. There are several things featured on said date which she does not eat, but she does in fact attempt to consume an oyster Greg "shucks" and then pours into her open mouth. She, in turn, pours it out of her mouth and into a nearby ficus.

This is meant to be the Hyatt Regency Tamaya Resort & Seafood Palace's answer to Seattle's Gum Wall. All I know is that it is a batshit insane thing to do during a pandemic, what are you dooooooing, why, why, why

Fake fish, salmon and broccoli that are easily identified as such, whatever the Cuddle Queen was selling, and Andrew S.'s painting of sushi.

At Katie's Place Market (yo The Bachelorette, Pike Place is singular), Katie hits Greg in the face with a big fake fish. They also don't eat some coffee, sort of play "football," and talk about how good together they are, which is one of their favorite topics. Greg is either the best actor on the show, or he's gonna get crushed.

It's a momentous day! I am 100% certain that's broccoli and like 90% sure that's salmon! Not sure about the couscous(?), nor about anything on Greg's plate, but still, let's call this a win! After "dinner," Katie and Greg make out in some impressive fake rain. Greg gets the rose.

The second one-on-one of the week goes to nice Mike P., the virgin of the season. Katie is very cool about the virginity thing, and they have a frank, kind of sweet conversation about it. And she's clearly not super excited about the fact that this poor dude really only got two topics of conversation, post-Thomas-gate, because she tweeted this last night:

Being a virgin isn't a personality trait. #TheBachelorette

— Katie Thurston (@katiethurston) July 20, 2021

And while it's possible to read that as a dig at sweet Mike P., it's more likely a dig at the people who just love to make people feel weird about sex. But Mike P. still goes home, because topic one was virginity, but topic two, the one he really could not stop talking about on his sole one-on-one date, was his mom:

ABC

Katie sends Mike home before they get to the "dinner" portion.

This week's group date is a lot less chaotic than usual, and I realize saying that directly below a screenshot of a nightmare sushi painting may be confusing, but it's true. Katie sends the dude who doesn't get a one-on-one and has never had one previously (pictured in the header for this column) home before the date even begins, presumably because that conversation is their very first conversation. So it's just a bunch of guys with a real shot at Hometowns, and they paint paintings and snigger at other paintings that, in the grand tradition of Georgia O'Keefe, look just a teensy bit like vaginas. Justin's is actually good, because he's an actual artist. Michael A. sculpts a butt out of modeling clay. Blake paints something so lewd the entire thing gets black-boxed out by ABC:

ABC

And nice not-British Andrew paints that sushi mouth situation, then says he's going to eat his way to her heart. Which, um. Not a bad strategy? Michael A. gets the group date rose because he and Katie have a sweet conversation about his kid; Andrew gets eliminated at the rose ceremony and then gets a Bachelor audition so obviously contrived that it made me a little grumpy, TBQH. It's more textbook rom-com stuff, right down to her chasing him through the hotel in her bare feet after she reads a note he gives her that says "If you change your mind, I'll be waiting." She asks if he wants to stay, and he says "No, are you kidding, this is a great edit, I'm a real contender for the next Bachelor" that he wants to say yes but it already feels final and he wants to be chosen by someone who wants him. Nice work, everyone!

Jacqueline Secor is on Etsy. I hope she sells a zillion prints because those dudes were real buttholes. See you next week for hOmEtOwNs!