The Bachelorette Doesn't Have Time For Your Bullshit, Karl

Welcome back to The Takeout's weird column about the food or absence thereof in the many corners of the Bachelor cinematic universe—now with even less Chris Harrison! I'm your host, Allison Shoemaker, and if you are not here For Me, if you are not here for An Engagement, then like Katie Thurston I too would ask that you get the fuck out. (Not really! Come back! I love writing this column! Click on it six more times!)

It's only week two of this season of The Bachelorette and Katie Thurston is already playing the hits. We got endless discussions of The Right Reasons, startlingly early deployment of the tearful Wrong Reasons speech, a "falling for him" moment, and a grim "can I walk you out?" But wait there's more, we also got an embarrassing performance date, a wrestling-in-goo date, a bonding over shared trauma date which was also a fireworks date, an open mic night moment, and (ugh) the ol' virgin-on-a-sex-date gambit. It's a lot! So let's get to it. Could I have your attention, please?

ABC

Let's get to it. This week, we'll break things down by date

Yes! And it's only week two! She ate what I'm guessing is a bratwurst of some kind but what looked like a hot dog bun full of mustard and potatoes.

In a move one-hundred-percent designed to make all the other dudes grumble, Katie's first one-on-one date went to Pasta Necklace Guy, a.k.a. Greg, who also got her first impression rose. Normally I'd say Greg was peaking too early, because not only did he get a cute one-on-one, it also included a feeding-each-other moment (the aforementioned potato-salad-in-bun-looking-thing). That is a lot for week two.

ABC

But the cute date with the eating and the fireworks (leave some in the tank, Bach!) isn't just intended to create an early, soon-dethroned frontrunner situation. It's also a deep personal connection date, because Katie and Greg both lost their dads and bonded over that. And Greg got a terrific edit out of it—he didn't bring up his dad during the day portion of the date, helping Katie process her feelings by simply listening; instead, it came up over the dinner they didn't eat. More on that in a moment.

The fish she and Greg didn't catch because they were too busy not setting up a tent and not using a bucket toilet; steak-looking mystery substance; sex bananas; imaginary peaches; whipped cream; and mud-laced champagne.

Over dinner, Greg told Katie that his father is also dead, and that the loss is fairly recent (two years). Here's how you know Greg is getting a great edit: The story of this confession was not that he's afraid to open up about it. There were no talking heads from Katie about feeling like he was holding something back, so there was also no need for a "thank you for being vulnerable with me" situation. It seemed (seemed, mind you) totally authentic and unprompted. It wasn't, of course; it's not a coincidence that Greg got the dad date, just as it's not a coincidence that the season's virgin wound up on the sex date. But the story they're telling us is "Greg listened first and shared his story later, because he didn't want to make it about him." Anyway, Greg and Katie didn't eat the brown area pictured above.

This fuckin' guy. Meet your first big villain, folks! Karl! Is! Insufferable!

The first group date was a competition in which the suitors sought to become The Greatest Lover Of All Time. Basically, it was "talent show but sex but not really because this is ABC." The true winner of this date is debatable, and we'll get there momentarily, but the loser is obvious, because Karl attempted to recreate the Bennett victory from Tayshia's Grown-Ass Man Challenge and F A I L S. Just watch even a few moments of the video above and you'll understand why. Don't filibuster The Bachelorette, dudes! It will not work!

So, yeah, Karl suggestively rubbed an over-ripe banana all over the torso of a cardboard cutout of Katie. So he lost. But who won?

That would be Mike, a seemingly nice dude who the producers MERCILESSLY teed up for an earnest, anxious virginity reveal. And he did okay! I was fully prepared for a cringey situation, but he wrote a letter to his "future wife," and while it was cloying and ridiculous it was also fairly straightforward and grown-up. Again, see the video above.

ABC

As for the others, they almost all made fools of themselves except Connor the Cat, who (sans whiskers) played a jokey little song he wrote without coming off as a jackass who tries to get laid by covering John Mayer on an acoustic guitar. The only other true bright spot was poor Tre, who deserved way more screen time than he got. Katie did not eat peaches, because 'peaches' was just the safe word for these hand puppets, and yes that is a ball gag. It's also maybe the best official Bachelorette photo of all time?

As for the rest, they got montaged together. They contemplated using and/or actually used whipped cream in their performances together. They also all hated Karl together. And after all that, the group date rose went to a random hot dude who isn't any of the people above. Let this screenshot of one of the other guys whose names I have not yet bothered to learn sum it up, both with his words and with the can of Reddi Wip pocket:

ABC

I have very little to say about this group date except for the following three points.

1. Kaitlyn Bristowe, fire your stylist immediately. (Tayshia, give your makeup artist a raise.)

2. Every season they make them wrestle. Every season they include a flashing ambulance in the teaser for the wrestling. And almost every season, it's a fakeout and I find myself wondering why I'm so disappointed. What's wrong with me? Why am I so bloodthirsty? Should I not rejoice in their continued physical wellbeing? Why do I shake my fist and yell CURSE YOU ABC YOU TRICKED ME AGAIN because someone didn't break their arm or something? Bring back the days when Peter accidentally shoved a whole glass into his face while attempting to board a golf cart, I say!

3. Oh right, the date itself. Ahem:

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This guy speaks for all of us, I assume. See you next week.