The first group date was a competition in which the suitors sought to become The Greatest Lover Of All Time. Basically, it was “talent show but sex but not really because this is ABC.” The true winner of this date is debatable, and we’ll get there momentarily, but the loser is obvious, because Karl attempted to recreate the Bennett victory from Tayshia’s Grown-Ass Man Challenge and F A I L S. Just watch even a few moments of the video above and you’ll understand why. Don’t filibuster The Bachelorette, dudes! It will not work!

Advertisement

So, yeah, Karl suggestively rubbed an over-ripe banana all over the torso of a cardboard cutout of Katie. So he lost. But who won?

That would be Mike, a seemingly nice dude who the producers MERCILESSLY teed up for an earnest, anxious virginity reveal. And he did okay! I was fully prepared for a cringey situation, but he wrote a letter to his “future wife,” and while it was cloying and ridiculous it was also fairly straightforward and grown-up. Again, see the video above.

Advertisement
Tre with puppets
Tre with puppets
Photo: ABC

As for the others, they almost all made fools of themselves except Connor the Cat, who (sans whiskers) played a jokey little song he wrote without coming off as a jackass who tries to get laid by covering John Mayer on an acoustic guitar. The only other true bright spot was poor Tre, who deserved way more screen time than he got. Katie did not eat peaches, because ‘peaches’ was just the safe word for these hand puppets, and yes that is a ball gag. It’s also maybe the best official Bachelorette photo of all time?

Advertisement

As for the rest, they got montaged together. They contemplated using and/or actually used whipped cream in their performances together. They also all hated Karl together. And after all that, the group date rose went to a random hot dude who isn’t any of the people above. Let this screenshot of one of the other guys whose names I have not yet bothered to learn sum it up, both with his words and with the can of Reddi Wip pocket:

Image for article titled The Bachelorette doesn’t have time for your bullshit, Karl
Screenshot: ABC
Advertisement

Group date #2: Champagne and mud

Image for article titled The Bachelorette doesn’t have time for your bullshit, Karl
Photo: Craig Sjodin/ABC
Advertisement

I have very little to say about this group date except for the following three points.

1. Kaitlyn Bristowe, fire your stylist immediately. (Tayshia, give your makeup artist a raise.)

Advertisement

2. Every season they make them wrestle. Every season they include a flashing ambulance in the teaser for the wrestling. And almost every season, it’s a fakeout and I find myself wondering why I’m so disappointed. What’s wrong with me? Why am I so bloodthirsty? Should I not rejoice in their continued physical wellbeing? Why do I shake my fist and yell CURSE YOU ABC YOU TRICKED ME AGAIN because someone didn’t break their arm or something? Bring back the days when Peter accidentally shoved a whole glass into his face while attempting to board a golf cart, I say!

3. Oh right, the date itself. Ahem:

Uggggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggg—

hghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgghgggghghghgg—

gggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghgggggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghgggggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghgggggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh01001010101010101011100101010001010101010101101001000100001010000001010101011111101010101010101010101010helpgggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghgggggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghgggggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghgggggggghghghgghghghggghgghghghgggghghghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghgggghghghggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggghhhh ugh.

Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?

This guy speaks for all of us, I assume. See you next week.

Image for article titled The Bachelorette doesn’t have time for your bullshit, Karl
Screenshot: ABC