Welcome back to The Takeout’s weird column about the food, or absence thereof, in the many corners of the Bachelor cinematic universe! I’m your host, Allison Shoemaker, and I too wish you nothing but the best with my words and wish your head would catch fire with my eyes. In the final week of Katie Thurston’s Journey to Find Love, we get a three-hour episode that’s comprised primarily of filler. Not the injectable dermal sort, or not just the injectable dermal sort. The show openly acknowledges that it basically ran out of contestants and then half-heartedly tries to pretend there’s drama (that Blake, what a card!) for an additional 2.5 hours. Why? Why three hours in the first place? Who said it had to be three hours? Did you just sell too many ads? Was there not enough good footage of Auntie Lindsay? Why did you do this to us, Bachelor franchise? Is this punishment for me predicting Blake’s inevitable victory a zillion weeks ago? It is, isn’t it?
Whatever the reason, the result is ESS TEE YOU PEE EYE DEE stupid. One does not watch the various and sundry shows that make up this franchise because one is looking for intellectually stimulating content, but even by World’s Longest Coldest Kiss standards, this is bad. So, for one last time, if I could have your attention, please?
Let’s get this over with.
Did The Bachelorette actually eat food this week?
She did, in fact, eat some cake and possibly other assorted desserts, and breakfast in bed, and also she got into a big fight with a dude she’s not engaged to on television and it was extremely awkward and I’m glad Blake seems cool with it but wow, am I getting ahead of myself.
Cheesecake and cake and macarons and weird berry sauce
Katie begins the week by not flying home without finishing her season, and what a shocker that is. After Kaitlyn and Tayshia tell Blake and Justin that
they’re the finalists by default and Blake is definitely going to win Greg has left The Journey™, Katie and Blake have their Fantasy Suites one-on-one, which involves them throwing paint-filled water balloons at each other, followed by a nice hot tub session in which Katie talks about Michael and Greg and that’s about it. At the dinner portion, they don’t eat this, whatever this shadowy area might be:
That’s the clearest shot I could get but it doesn’t matter, none of this matters, just give them the dumb ring already.
Anyway, Blake tells Katie he loves her in the most drawn-out way possible and then she says “I fucking love you so much” and they make out a bunch, then head to the “Suite” to knock boots and eat cookies.
Breakfast in bed
In the morning, they eat pancakes and sex maple syrup:
And then Katie sends him on his way and dumps Justin. In her defense, she does not say, “oh hi, I totally forgot you were here,” but it’s got that energy. He seems like a nice dude, and I will miss his GIF face.
Blake meets Katie’s lovely mom and her unnecessarily harsh Aunt Lindsay, then spends the rest of the non-reunion portion of the episode trying to convince someone, anyone, that there’s any doubt that he’s going to propose. He does not succeed. It is extremely boring.
I owe the finale of RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars season six an apology, because I thought that was anti-climactic but that’s a goddamn rollercoaster ride by comparison. Blake’s pants may or may not have ripped when he boarded a horse, and that’s the most exciting thing that happens.
Or the most important thing in the finale part of the finale, anyway. In the After the Final Rose portion of the proceedings, things are more tumultuous.
Points were made, it’s all pretty complicated, and so on and so forth. (But that is not the definition of gaslighting.) But hey, it’s great that these two crazy kids broke up! Because they should not be together!
Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?
Tayshia and Kaitlyn, good job/hot dresses. Justin, good job/great face. Thank you for being entertaining in this endless, endless episode of nonsense. There’s a whole weird fire thing in this episode! It’s in the header image! I have not mentioned it! It’s because somehow even the “burning of Zozobra” is boring!
So maybe it’s me? I deserve cake and mac and cheese? And if I do, so do you. This was an incredibly dull end to a promising season. Bring on Paradise, because I love mess.