The food that didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor, week 7: My wife is in this hangar

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor, week 7: My wife is in this hangar
Screenshot: ABC

At the end of this week’s The Bachelor, Peter Weber knew in his heart of hearts that his wife was standing in an airplane hangar with him. (Did you know he’s a pilot? He’s a pilot. Weird that they haven’t brought that up all that much.) To get there, he had to endure the awkward stares of extremely skeptical and slightly pissed off parents, yet another concert where he had to stand on a block and do the one dance he knows while people update their Insta stories, grapes in between his toes, a fight in someone’s front yard, being introduced to the concept of Charles Barkley, and pretending to be more interested in starring in The Bachelor than paying attention to a very good dog. It was a lot.

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And you know what, he’s not making it any easier on himself. Last week, Page Six ran a story with this headline:

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And sure, it’s Page Six, but that’s an accurate quote, and when you have to make that kind of clarification, something’s not going well for you. And that was last week, before the Virginia Beach shitshow! It would seem that this is a season of people making really dumb decisions, whether those involve trying to drink champagne straight from the bottle when you clearly don’t know how, or responding to a question about why you always walk away from things by walking the hell away. And here’s Peter, making yet another dumb decision, taking the woman who can’t get through one day of fake-dating without melting down and picking a fight on a very long trip to a foreign country.

Peter, dude, don’t date someone you can’t successfully travel with. It’s a golden rule. You should know that. You’re a pilot.

Well, at least he got some food this week. Here’s what he did, and did not, eat.

Did The Bachelor actually eat food this week?

A little! And probably more off camera, but here’s what we have evidence of him eating.

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Crab rangoon

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During Peter’s hometown date with Kelsey, he was introduced to one of her favorite foods, which he had never had before: crab rangoon. Crab rangoon? You’ve never had crab rangoon? What, are you not a takeout family? You live in California where there’s endless Chinese takeout. You can get frozen crab rangoon in the grocery store. It’s crab rangoon.

He must not have liked it, because Kelsey gets dropped like a stone by episode’s end. Or like a rock-hard crab rangoon. Gotta eat those fast, Peter; the window in which they are tasty is a small one.

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Ice cream

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What, did you think I was going to use a picture of Peter and Victoria eating ice cream when I could use a picture of this dog eating ice cream? (Yes, there is chocolate on that ice cream cone, but since he’s just licking it and the ice cream itself is vanilla I’m sure he’s fine.) Peter and Victoria stop for ice cream after they take some old-timey pictures but before it all goes to shit. We briefly see Peter lick his scoop, but I’m counting it.

Victoria, seriously, be careful with that chocolate, okay?

Wine, sweet tea, and yellow beverage

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor, week 7: My wife is in this hangar
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Peter and Kelsey also went to a winery (more on that below). While there, they tasted a bunch of wines and made their own blend. They had to name the blend. Kelsey told Peter he should do the honors. He named it... The Wine.

So, he drank The Wine. Also sweet tea out of wine glasses with Madison’s family and... maybe mimosas with Victoria? Orange juice? Something?

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What didn’t The Bachelor eat this week?

Grapes, stomped and unstomped

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So in addition to bottling their own blend, Kelsey and Peter also stomp some grapes “to make their own wine,” which is absolutely not how it works. They are not drinking those stomped grapes. Do they really think that’s how wine is made? Just... you step on them, then put on a lab coat, and bingo, wine?

After they “make” the “wine,” they drink actual wine while not eating some grapes they did not touch with their feet. Also meat and cheese.

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Mashed potatoes, a large pile of arugula, and sliders, I think?

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor, week 7: My wife is in this hangar
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During Kelsey’s hometown date, she tells Peter she’s in love with him, and he says something like, “Um, wow, thanks, my heart, wow,” which does not bode well for ol’ Kels. And her mom seems to sense it in the offing, because she’s not into Peter at all. (Someone should tell her he’s a pilot.) Anyway, during what I’m guessing was a very awkward not-meal, they didn’t eat those huge piles of greens, nor the vases stuffed with herbs, nor the tiny, falling-over buns, nor anything but the crab rangoon.

Beef tenderloin, asparagus with a single pepper strip, and potatoes, I hope

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Never fear, Madison’s family also had a “meal” with Peter. First, however, Madison took Peter to Auburn Arena to be bellowed at by the looming pre-recorded figure of Charles Barkley (with Madison helpfully saying to Peter, “That’s Charles Barkley”). They also hooped. Well, Madison hooped.

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Madi then brought him home to her sensible mother and her not-at-all-having-it father. As they all went off to have conversations about minor things like how Peter can possibly be ready to marry Madison while he’s simultaneously dating three other women and whether or not Madison has decided to tell Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage (!), this meal got cold. Even the meal on the family’s “special plate.” At least they drank the sweet tea.

The warm, welcoming approval of these parents

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Hannah Ann doesn’t get a meal—they just throw some axes, have some creepy conversations, and call it a day. While there, her dad is the first of three parents to basically say “I’d really rather you wouldn’t” when Peter talks about having feelings for their kid. Peter does not feast upon their approval, but he does sort of choke on their judgment. And he’s spared a fourth helping when he never actually gets past the porch during Victoria’s date. About that:

Oysters

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There’s a lot one could be frustrated about when it comes to the whole Peter/Victoria situation, but top of the list is this:

THEY WASTED PERFECTLY GOOD OYSTERS.

I don’t know anything about Marissa Blurryface, but whoever she is, I wish she’d crashed the Victoria/Peter hangout-fest earlier, so those oysters might have found a worthy home. But I suppose the producers couldn’t risk losing the shot of Peter and Victoria once again being serenaded by a country singer who is probably sort of trying to tell Peter something, this time with the lyrics, “I don’t want easy, I want crazy.” That’s a garbage stereotype, but I can’t fault the producers for wanting to layer it on a little thick, because Victoria is just sort of the worst, no?

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That’s not a special effect, she’s just really good at blending her contour.
That’s not a special effect, she’s just really good at blending her contour.
Screenshot: ABC

Anyway, a woman with no nostrils or cheekbones showed up to tell Peter that Victoria has “broken up a lot of relationships,” and when Peter asked her about it, Victoria’s response was basically, “What? You are! I love you!” It was a shitshow, but the oysters are the unkindest cut of all.

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Peter’s multivitamin

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A lack of nutrients is the only possible explanation for Peter’s choice at the end of the hour. “My wife is in this hangar with me tonight,” he told the four ladies he’s either falling in love with or not falling in love with, depending on who you ask and when; then he sent home the only one who provided edible food, instead keeping the sobbing hot mess who is absolutely unable to have an adult conversation. The lack of real meals is clearly catching up with him. Someone get Peter a Centrum and some Gatorade or something, right quick.

Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?

THIS DOG.

He did not eat a bird.

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor, week 7: My wife is in this hangar
Screenshot: ABC
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He did not eat this man.

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor, week 7: My wife is in this hangar
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He did eat ice cream, but his owner kinda sucks. Give the good boy a treat.

Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves TV, bourbon, and overanalyzing social interactions. Please buy her book, How TV Can Make You Smarter (Chronicle, 2020). It’s short!

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DISCUSSION

I imagine that Kelsey was just screaming at the TV while watching this episode last night. Everything with Victoria is a pure shitshow.

Also here’s my prediction for the rest of the season:

1. Madison tells Peter that she’s saving herself for marriage and she doesn’t want him sleeping with any of the other women.

2. For some dumb reason Madison also shares this with the other women.

3. Victoria does her best to break up another relationship.

4. Peter tells Madison about sleeping with one (or both) of the other women.

5. Madison is upset that Peter can’t keep it in his pants and walks away from him.

6. Peter’s mom loses her shit and tells him to get her back.

7. Peter chooses Marissa.