Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 3: A total finasco
Screenshot: ABC

Have you ever seen someone eat an avocado and try to kill someone with their eyes at the same time?

Gif: ABC
Advertisement

Now you have. In the third week of its oh-who-knows-what-number season, The Bachelor once again concerns itself with in-house drama, but while last week’s main event was deeply silly (and ongoing—it’s central to the first little chunk of this hour as well), this one winds up being kind of a meta-commentary on the nature of the show and the fine line between “understands they are on television” and the famous “wrong reasons.” What it does not concern itself with is food. Except, of course, the avocado of destruction.

Did The Bachelor actually eat food this week?

Someone send the man a case of Clif Bars, because he is for sure starving. It’s a dire situation—he really needs sustenance in order to wade through the pool of draaaaaamaaaa this week.

What didn’t The Bachelor eat this week?

Champagne and Rice Krispies

The episode begins with a continuation of champagne-gate, which mostly involves Hannah Ann crying and saying the words “champagne stealer” so many times that they lose all meaning. Kelsey, on the other hand, just makes a series of increasingly ludicrous and contradictory points while all the other women sit around and twiddle their thumbs, a state of affairs that ultimately leads to a pretty great little quote that’s also semi-food-related. As those outside the champagne-gate region bemoan their lack of camera time the fact that no one gets to focus on their connection with Peter, a woman that a Cosmopolitan slideshow informs me is named Natasha P. says, “You never know when someone’s gonna snap, crackle, or fuckin’ pop.” She is the poet laureate of Bachelor Nation. Someone give her a book deal.

Advertisement

Two final points, both important: Kelsey reveals that she does not even like champagne, which is the kind of delicious fact on which my dreams hang, and Hannah Ann calls champagne-gate a “finasco.” It is the second best mispronunciation in this episode, after “linger-y” for “lingerie.”

Mystery meat

Peter also goes on a one-on-one date with the blonde Victoria, first to line-dancing, where there is alcohol but no snacks, then to a “dinner” in an airplane hangar—because he’s a pilot. Have they mentioned that? While there, they don’t eat whatever this is:

Is that... a tortoise’s shell with a criss-cross pattern of barbecue sauce on top?
Is that... a tortoise’s shell with a criss-cross pattern of barbecue sauce on top?
Screenshot: ABC
Advertisement

I’ll otherwise refrain from making fun of this scene, in which blonde Victoria talks about losing her father at a young age, watching her grieving mother struggle with addiction, and finding herself responsible for feeding herself and her sister. Food insecurity is a terrifying thing, no matter what age you are, and good on her for speaking openly about it.

He gives her the rose, naturally. They seem to have had a nice time. The group date folks, not so much.

Advertisement

Feathers

Because Peter is The Bachelor, he doesn’t have to participate in events like extreme competitive pillow-fighting, and thus avoids a mouth full of down.

Advertisement

Fire

Here is the snack that was provided for the group date cocktail party.

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 3: A total finasco
Screenshot: ABC
Advertisement

As far as I can tell, no one was brave enough to eat the fire. What was served at this party was extremely shady shade (“Do you, like, work?”) and drama, as when Peter asked Sydney (she of the avocado and the shady shade) if she had any notes she’d like to share with the class. (She did. It was wild.)

Did anyone eat anything at all?

Avocado

Once more, with feeling:

Advertisement

The next morning, the drama continues. After Sydney told Peter, one-on-one, that there were people on the show who were being “fake,” he asked her to name names, in front of all the other women. I would angrily eat an avocado, too. There’s a stone-cold confrontation between Sydney and Alayah (the “faker”) about the conversation, but surprisingly, they don’t wind up best friends. Instead Alayah spends most of the date not talking to Peter while he asks all the other women if they agree that Alayah is a big fakey faker. (They do.) One of them, Victoria of the line-dancing and plane-hangar-dinner, tells him that she and Alayah knew each other from the pageant circle, and that Alayah had asked her to lie about whether or not they knew each other, which Victoria wasn’t comfortable doing. Peter asks Alayah about it.

Then she does this, which is not food, but is delicious:

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 3: A total finasco
Screenshot: ABC
Advertisement

It lasts for like six seconds, and it is amazing and perfect. That dead-eyed stare is probably what gets her eliminated, but hey, the previews make it look like she’s coming back from the dead.

Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 3: A total finasco
Screenshot: ABC
Advertisement

Oh, poor Pilot Pete.

Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves television, bourbon, and dramatically overanalyzing social interactions.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter