By now, everyone should know that all the world’s corporations have access to our personal data, because in America, all humans are living, breathing commodities. If the Hamburglar wanted to to steal your precious family jewels, or if Mr. Peanut wanted to sneak into your bedroom to try on all your clothes, they could find your address online in seconds. But what about those who have yet to have their info posted on the internet, like our children and pets? How are the corporations to know who they are, who they’re doing business with, and who they need to go through in order to access their tiny, uncorrupted brains?
The answer, of course, is through smart phones, which have sold us all out better than any microchipped vaccine ever could. Now, most babies and cats don’t have cell phones, which is a problem for corporations. But their parents most certainly have cell phones, and as you may have noticed on Facebook, Instagram, or any other site you’ve chosen to broker your immortal soul, people love taking pictures of their children and pets. Fast food corporations, in particular, have already infiltrated their phones via apps, but to gather that lucrative baby/cat info, they need access to their photos so they can start uploading those cute smooshable faces to their servers.
Could this be the driving force behind Arby’s new “Field Guide to Fries” app, which uses an advanced algorithm and AI technology to help people... identify different types of French fries? In an email, Arby’s writes that—once you give it access to your camera—its app will “detect[s] what type of fry is on your radar,” and will then provide its “Fry Taxonomy” classification, Curlius Frysius (Curly Fry) to the Crinklus Potaticus (Crinkle Fry).
Will this premise be enough to convince people to sell out their babies to the roast beef racket? Probably. If you’re curious enough to check out this possibly nefarious plot for yourself, or if you genuinely need help with your French fry comprehension, visit arbysfry.app on your phone. If you’re not ready to sacrifice your children on the altar of capitalism but still want Arby’s to know where you live, for a limited time only, Arby’s is offering a 50%-off sandwich coupon to anyone that signs up for their mailing list.