When Genevieve Koski, relentless pursuer of all things Internet, came across a website and book extolling the virtues of semen as a culinary additive, she was excited. (Not excited in that way, and yes, I wrote “came across” on purpose.) This was not a joke, we quickly learned from cookingwithcum.com—people apparently add ejaculate to various dishes in order to spice them up. (You’re wondering to yourself: Wouldn’t some salt-and-gelatin combo work just as well? Not nearly as fun to extract and apply.)
Anyway, we knew we had to order the book—Natural Harvest: A Collection Of Semen-Based Recipes—but we didn’t know quite what to do with it. Nobody here is interested in actually cooking with semen. (We asked.) The next thought, also Ms. Koski’s, was toward some kind of prank, and with the April Fool’s holiday rapidly approaching, we hatched a plan that we were fairly sure would anger and confuse all of those Taste Testers (who here become Taste Testes) not in on the joke.
We chose three recipes from the book that seemed easiest to procure—Tasha made the Spunky Candied Pecans (minus the spunk), and Genevieve bought Cream Éclair and Tiramisu Surprise (without their respective surprises)—and then we set about baiting the April Fool’s trap.
Before we go any further, though, I must express how deadly serious this organization is about you eating semen. From the back cover: “Semen is not only nutritious, but it also has a wonderful texture and amazing cooking properties… Once you overcome any initial hesitation, you will be surprised to learn how wonderful semen is in the kitchen.” World peace is around the corner—men need to orgasm for their supper. I’m psyched.
Anyway, we selected a few targets from the office who we thought would take this sort of joke relatively well: IES Dave Chang (of course), Jun, Andrew, and Steve. They were reasonably unsuspecting at first; I told them that we made these treats with a new sugar substitute. The video below doesn’t really reflect how long they set about eating before asking, “What’s the twist?”
But then, someone did, and out came the cookbook. Only Steve seemed genuinely angry and concerned, with Chang more curious than anything. (Andrew kept eating the pecans!) We let them suffer for a couple of minutes before intrepid Steve realized that the one tiny square of Tiramisu on the plate probably wasn’t cooked at Genevieve’s house. But oh, the discussions pretending to feed your co-workers semen can inspire! Is it going to give us an STD? Does it change our relationship if I’ve eaten your jizz? I think we learned a lot today. Thank you, cum-based cookbook.
The video was edited by Emily Withrow, and the wipes are pretty sweet.