Apple Jacks are garbage

Photo: pamela_d_mcadams (iStock)

Not since The Takeout declared as a unified staff that loaded fries suck have we have felt compelled to alert our beloved readers to another culinary scourge upon our taste buds: Apple Jacks.

These bicolored shitloops reared their ugly heads as we conducted our recent draft of the best breakfast cereals, and it nearly compelled us to begin a draft of the worst breakfast cereals. Except that there would be only one true “winner,” and it would be Apple Jacks.

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It is not our policy to rag on foods other people enjoy, but we are certain no one actually enjoys Apple Jacks. Their continued existence is entirely predicated on inclusion in Kellogg’s variety packs, as no one has ever encountered a full-sized box in a real person’s pantry.

Artificial apple is a horrendous flavor, up there with medicinal grape and whatever Hawaiian Punch is supposed to taste like. And then there’s the aroma, a smell best relegated to an offramp gift shop selling Yankee Candles and Cathy sweatshirts. Just the whiff of Apple Jacks is enough to make one’s stomach cramp in anticipation of the stale, fruity assault, to say nothing of the wretched swamp that is Apple Jacks milk. How could a cereal milk possibly taste bad? Looks like a job for Apple Jacks.

If you truly enjoy the flavor of Apple Jacks, we’re not going to slap the box out of your hands. But we will require a thorough accounting of your reasoning.

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About the author

Kate Bernot

Kate Bernot is managing editor at The Takeout and a certified beer judge.