Illustration for article titled Antoni Porowski learns that you do not cross Martha Stewart—ever
Photo: Eugene Gologursky (Getty Images)

To watch and love Queer Eye is to have firm opinions about the five experts, and this is mine: Antoni is the worst. Karamo, Jonathan, Bobby, and Tan all offer advice and compassion and try to help people improve their lives by making small but realistic adjustments. Antoni just smiles because he knows how cute he is in his little literary t-shirts and how much everyone should admire him, and then he tells people who have never cooked before and need to learn the absolute basics of feeding themselves and their families that they should make fresh pasta and tarte tatin. Every time he comes on, I click over to something else on my screen and hope that we can get back to something more interesting very soon, like Bobby painting a wall.

Anyway, now Antoni has pissed off the queen, Martha Stewart, and I am here for it.

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What Antoni did not mention was that he was at Martha’s house. This was an omission Martha herself quickly rectified in the comments:

Dear antoni: this is @marthastewart48 You did not tag me on this photo of my stable nor the photo of my beautiful dogs Han, Qin , bete noir and creme brulee We are bummed about that because you have so many followers and you are my Christmas cookies!!! You were nice not to post the forbidden scenes and we thank you!!!

I love so many things about this: the use of the royal we, the complete disregard for punctuation, the fact that she has a dog named Bete Noir, the blunt acknowledgment that she is sad he didn’t tag her because he has so many followers, the existence of “forbidden scenes,” and finally, “you are my Christmas cookies!!!” In all likelihood, she probably meant “you ate my Christmas cookies.” But I like the idea that Antoni is not just a Christmas cookie, he is Christmas cookies, plural.

Antoni posted again, trying to win her forgiveness with another self-consciously adorable picture of himself:

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To which she responded:

I think we started a social media “feud” which was not the point I just wanted you to acknowledge my fire, my animals and my food which you seemed to love???

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Which is truly the only reasonable response. And also proves that Martha is not only a domestic goddess, she is also queen of the guilt trip.

Aimee Levitt is associate editor of The Takeout.

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