Animal welfare gets called to investigate mysterious creature; turns out it’s a scary croissant

croissants on a table
Photo: Manuel Medir / Contributor (Getty Images)

Sometimes when I see an object I can’t identify right off the bat, I assume it’s some kind of living creature. Is that a cat? (No, it’s a plastic bag in an alley.) Is that a rat? (No, it’s a lone abandoned shoe on the sidewalk.) Yeah, yeah, I’m a jumpy boy. I think this must be a natural instinct that’s innately built into a human being for self-preservation. If you see someone running down the street screaming about a shoe on the sidewalk, please don’t make fun of me.

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Turns out I’m not the only one, though. A group of neighbors in Krakow, Poland, reported that a creature had been hanging out in a nearby tree for two days. They were afraid to open their windows lest the beast come charging in. Animal welfare officers were summoned, reports the BBC. They had no idea what they might be dealing with. Was it a wounded falcon? A Komodo dragon, obviously native to Krakow?

Nope. It was a croissant.

In a dramatic Facebook post, the Krakow Animal Welfare Society, said that its officers had asked the initial caller if it could have been a bird of prey, but her response was that it looked like a “lagun” (Polish for lagoon), before she realized the word she was looking for was “legwan,” or iguana. I get the two mixed up frequently myself.

I took a look at the Facebook post. I don’t know, man. Totally looks like a bloodthirsty bread monster to me, to be honest. I don’t trust that thing one bit. Let me poke at it with a stick to be sure it’s dead.

It’s thought that whoever dumped the pastry in the tree was probably just trying to feed some birds (who feeds birds a whole croissant?!), and it just got stuck. Or maybe this is the beginning of a new version of Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs. It’s 2021. At the rate we’re moving, anything can happen.

Staff writer at The Takeout. Also: Saveur Humor Blog Award Winner, professional pizza maker, and insufferable troublemaker.

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