(*Sigh*) It’s finally Lizzie Week on The Great British
Bake Off Baking Show. I knew this day would come eventually, and I’ve done my best to prepare myself for today; likely the last time I’ll ever get to write about my favorite baker in the history of this whole damn programme.
During every single episode I’ve been taking extra Lizzie screenshots, jotting down her brilliant bon mots, bouncing baby joke ideas around my disaster of a brain, all in anticipation of the inevitable Lizzie Week. Did I expect to be moved to tears? A little bit. Did I expect that Lizzie would leave me bawling like a sacrificial bread baby? Not one bit. That Lizzie really is full of surprises, ain’t she.
Before we get to the action, let’s quickly address CHIGS! IN! GLASSES!... AGAIN!
There is an excellent chance that this week’s Star Baker will be with us for the final two episodes of the season, which means you guys have two more weeks of sexual Chigs collages to look forward to. (You’re welcome.)
Now to the sun, the moon, and the stars of my life: my Lizzie. For her Signature Bake, she is once again doing an edible homage to her dog Prudence who, as you may remember from Biscuit Week, is an aspiring influencer. Before we continue, I need everyone to quickly click on over to Instagram, follow Lizzie’s dog, and type “You should be best friends with @AllisonRobicelli” in the comments of every single sultry pic.
Lizzie’s dairy-free “Ode to Dog” ice cream sandwiches are inspired by the ones Prudence gets from the Mr. Whippy ice cream truck after her daily walk and oh my god I can’t believe this is the last week I’m going to get to write sentences like that. You can’t possibly know what this woman has meant to me as a “professional” Great British Baking Show recapper. How the hell am I supposed to write next season! How can I possibly find fun in a post-Lizzie tent! As if there will ever be another baker who will shower me with this this much material!
Lizzie’s vanilla and chocolate dog sandwiches were studded with bits of almond toffee, and are roughly about 4.5-inches in diameter. I did the math.
Paul and Prue think Lizzie’s flavors (as most always) are “spot on” and her textures (yet again) amazing, but also think that 4.5-inches is “too big” for an ice cream sandwich, which is about the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.
Noel starts making jokes about Paul’s big sausage fingers to Chigs which makes him giggle uncontrollably, which made me tingly all over. Then I came to the realization that Chigs + Giggles = Chiggles, and I spent the next 15 minutes cackling instead of paying attention to the show.
If it wasn’t for the existence of Cake Week 2020, this would go down as the greatest showstopper challenge in the history of this show. I knew Lizzie whenever it was Lizzie’s time to go she would go out like a goddamn firework, but oh man, I did not expect her to make me cry; something I almost never do because I’m a stone cold bitch.
In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I, like Lizzie, have ADHD. I, too, have a lot of brain force, and I realized that the reason I connected so much with her is that everything that came out of her mouth, and every single thing she baked, made total sense to me. I don’t have much finesse, either, and honestly? I don’t want it. The reason Lizzie’s flavors and textures were always spot on is because there are billions of bits of sensory information pinging around in her brain at the same exact time. The levels of brain force that would blow Paul’s boxy skull to smithereens in seconds.
Having too much brain force can be a lot of fun, and when I talk about having ADHD, I like to focus on the fun parts. But holy shit, is it exhausting. It’s like speaking a language no one else understands; constantly getting frustrated because people think you can have “finesse” if you just tried harder. Are people under the impression that we want our lives to be this difficult? That we’re perfectly capable of doing things the prissy pants way, but choose not to just for kicks?
Lizzie gave us an eight-week masterclass in organized chaos. For her grand finale, she made a cake representing the inside of her mind, and I understand all of it. I wish Paul, Prue, and everyone not named Noel could truly understand it, too, because there’s seriously so much wild shit to see in our cuckoo crazy brains. We may not have finesse, but hot damn are we a good time!
The reason Lizzie went home this week is because someone needed to go home. This is one of, if not the most talented top fives in GBBO history, and every elimination will be a sad one. (Except for Giuseppe, who’s still on my bad list.) Chigs is Star Baker. Next week’s is Patisserie Week. Lizzie won’t be there, but that’s okay. She’s already won the totality of my heart, and that’s the greatest prize of them all.