In a real “you had one job” situation, a U.K. all-you-can-eat pizza festival is apologizing for running out of pizza. The BBC reports that attendees of the Notting Hill Pizza Festival—a ticketed event, we feel compelled to add—had to stand in line for up to an hour for a single slice.
Organized by lifestyle brand Bellmonte Life, the event promised “pizza for every palate,” but when an oven broke, it became “a slice or two for people who are willing to stand around for a long-ass time.” Once they did get to the front of the line, guests got something that, as attendee Tim Swabey told the BBC, “looked like something that had already passed through a cat’s digestive system.”
Here’s the kicker: Bellmonte Life chose a very, shall we say, interesting way to apologize:
“Despite the best efforts of our team preparing the pizzas in the smaller ovens, the flow of pizzas was slower than intended.
“In contrast to claims that there were not enough pizzas, this was not the case. Our team was hard at work to ensure that everyone was able to sample pizzas.
“However, it was unfortunate that the queues grew due to some overzealous appetites, preventing others to be able to enjoy the food.”
Emphasis ours. Attendee Alex White told the BBC that she left the all-you-can-eat pizza festival to go to a regular ol’ pizza place when she only managed to get her hands on two slices in 90 minutes. That is, to be technical about it, not very much pizza. So we’d like to take a moment to address the organizers directly.
Hi, Bellmonte Life! It’s your friends at The Takeout. We’re concerned that perhaps you haven’t fully grasped the nature of an all-you-can-eat event. You see, there’s no such thing as an overzealous appetite at an all-you-can-eat event, because it’s all you can eat. Did you learn nothing from the cheese festival that ran out of cheese? There are a great many things the U.K. does spectacularly well—making cakes shaped like people, for one—and we’re sure there have been plenty of successful food festivals on your shores. However, we strongly suggest you check in with some pals across the pond the next time you decide to organize an all-you-can-eat anything. We Americans understand such events at a really primal level.
There’s one last delicious note to this story. Bellmonte Life’s bullshit apology comes with another offer for the pizza-lovers they so sorely disappointed: Free VIP passes to a barbecue festival this summer, at which they will probably run out of napkins and blame overzealous face-wipers.