Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC

“I have one that’s making it easier on me and one that’s making it not so easy.”

Remember way back when poor old Kelley got eliminated after taking a nap, and she said something like, “I know you hate it when I say ‘fun,’ but relationships don’t actually have to be hard”? Or really any of the other times that anyone this season was like, “Hey, Peter, you seem to really like drama”? Or how about the time that Peter, who is a pilot, basically told Hannah Ann she wasn’t crying enough and people with feelings cry? Yeah, me too. They had a point then and they had a point now. The first half of the two-part finale of The Bachelor’s 874th season proved to be pretty damned uncomfortable to watch, because about halfway through it turned into video footage of a dude trying to decide whether or not he should settle for the only woman left, who has no idea she’s the cheese that stands alone. Yikes.

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What’s worse is that while Peter’s preference for Madison—who comes out of this looking pretty great, at least in this first half—is obvious, it’s equally obvious that she’s just not really feeling it anymore. And from what we know of Peter, that reticence is probably a big fat draw for him. It is, in short, a whole mess—and no one eats a goddamn thing.

Let’s get creative, Bachelor Food Nation. What foods, drinks, and intellectual concepts didn’t get eaten on The Bachelor this week?

Did The Bachelor actually eat food this week?

No, he did not. Not even a little. Not one bite. Unless you count drama. Peter’s a human fuckin’ Pac-Man for drama. He did, however, drink some things.

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Sparkling apple juice

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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So this episode begins with Peter reuniting with his extremely supportive family, who all know an awful lot about his sex life. (Not a criticism! Thanks for being sex-positive, Webers!) They meet Hannah Ann first and just love her, but more on that in a minute. Then Madison shows up, and before she even goes in to meet his admittedly skeptical family, she and Peter have a long conversation on a bench all about fighting for things and being warriors and other really intense figures of speech. Madison basically says, “I was going to tell you I love you that night,” with a but kind of implied, and all Peter hears is “I love you.”

That’s not an exaggeration.

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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He tries to kiss her and she sort of laughs and shoves him away and it is absolutely mortifying. Then they head inside to talk about her feelings about sex with his entire family, and that is somehow more mortifying. Yet pretty much everyone—even Peter’s mom, who gets super intense and a little tiny bit aggressive—has a point in what they’re saying, and as stated above, Madison comes off looking pretty great. She tells Peter’s mother that, yes, it’s his journey, but it’s also her journey, and she didn’t tell him what he could or could not do, just how his actions would affect her, and it’s still pretty complicated, but good for her for standing up for herself.

Here’s how those conversations go. They all talk about sex, alcohol, religion, faith, and lifestyle. Then:

Peter’s dad: You’re not compatible.

Peter’s brother: You’re not compatible.

Peter’s mom: I prayed to God that He would put the right person in your path and Hannah Ann is an angel on earth bring her home to us oh I love you so much auuuuuuugh, you’re not compatible.

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Madison: We’re not compatible.

Peter:

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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We then get the scene that’s been teased all season, in which Peter’s mom weeps about how love stories are made. In Peter’s defense—and that’s the only time that phrase will get used this day—he does try to set up some boundaries, because your mom straight-up telling you who to love isn’t cool. But it’s hard to deny the idea that it was all over for poor Hannah Ann the second this drama queen’s family hinted that they might see some complications in his relationship with Madison.

So then they go on a date, he pops some sparkling apple cider—see? I can abstain from some things!—and she dumps him. Because guess what? They’re not compatible.

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Champagne

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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He also drinks champagne with Hannah Ann. Sadly, in Peter Weber’s view, Hannah Ann is the sparkling apple juice of television girlfriends.

What didn’t The Bachelor eat this week?

Milk for baby kangaroos

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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After Peter’s whole family fell in love with poor Hannah Ann—during which she seemed to imply to his mother that she knows Peter’s not as into her as she is into him—Peter went and got dumped by Madison. So then they rolled Chris Harrison out of his hammock and made him sit down with Peter to ask him if he still, you know, wanted to do the show. He basically shrugged and then headed off to feed tiny orphaned kangaroos with Hannah Ann, whom he calls “the perfect woman” while neglecting to mention that she is now the only Bachelorette standing. They don’t drink the kangaroo milk.

Baby kangaroos

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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They don’t eat the kangaroos, thank god.

Chocolate covered strawberries and some other giant chocolate thing

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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My favorite part of this screenshot is that it looks as though The Good Doctor’s Freddie Highmore is peering over at the fruit like he wants a snack.

Hannah Ann and Peter do not eat these treats. She runs around lighting candles and setting up treats and pouring champagne and then sits down in a dress that’s really hard to sit down in to wait for him to show up:

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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And that toolcase shows up like this:

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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Peter, the woman is wearing a body-con cocktail dress and heels and she did her hair and she lit candles and there is a whole thing happening and you couldn’t put on a shirt with a collar? You can’t see it in the screenshot, but that ratty T-shirt was hanging out of the bottom of that hoodie, and the hoodie might be on inside out. I get that his heart is broken, but this girl is making speeches about how she deserves to be chosen for who she is and you basically look like they just tipped you out of Chris Harrison’s nap hammock. Wear a tie, you dipshit.

This hilariously petty cookie cake

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So, to sum it all up:

  • Hannah Ann loves Peter
  • Peter calls Hannah Ann “the perfect woman”
  • Peter’s family loves Hannah Ann
  • Peter’s family has concerns about his incompatibility with Madison
  • Madison has concerns about his incompatibility with her
  • Madison actually left
  • Like, left, she’s gone, she is no longer there
  • Peter and Hannah Ann fed baby kangaroos together
  • Peter: undecided

Who most deserves a plate full of macaroni and cheese or a huge piece of cake or something?

Illustration for article titled The food that didn’t get eaten on iThe Bachelor/i, week 10 pt. 1: Get it together, you suntanned goon
Screenshot: ABC
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In all seriousness, I hope this poor girl watched that episode with loads of friends and just as many carbohydrates. And whiskey. Good whiskey. In extremely comfortable pants and, I don’t know, a hoodie and a T-shirt.

Contributor, The A.V. Club and The Takeout. Allison loves television, bourbon, and dramatically overanalyzing social interactions.

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