Last night, the Toronto Raptors defeated the Milwaukee Bucks to take a 3-2 lead in the Eastern Conference Finals, coming back from a 2-0 deficit that I’d find very exciting if the Portland Trail Blazers hadn’t just broken my heart. (Please leave condolences in the comments.) Their loss was not Aaron Rodgers’ fault, but it wasn’t not Aaron Rodgers’ fault, because in a key moment, Green Bay’s best beloved absolutely whiffed a beer-chugging competition.
Okay a few things. First, calling him “Game Of Thrones Extra & NFL MVP” is wonderful. Second, Packers offensive lineman David Bakhtiari is very good at both chugging beer and being on television. He’s so charming! Third, wow, Rodgers is not good at that. (That lone finger, raised in supplication! The third of beer left in the bottom of that glass, which was not even full to begin with!) But he’s pretty fucking good at being Aaron Rodgers, so he wins.
Matt Stafford, quarterback for the Detroit Lions, seemed to think this a golden opportunity to score some points on Rodgers:
And yes, that is a pretty good chug, but—and I say this as a person who was a Lions fan for many years—I’d rather have Aaron Rodgers, even if he’s bad at chugging beer. Sorry, Charlie Brown.
Besides, everyone knows who the real winner of the game of chugs is:
And hey, as it happens, maybe Rodgers just isn’t much of a beer guy:
Dear Mr. Rodgers,
It’s a beautiful day in the Midwest, so consider this a friendly suggestion from a neighbor: Please don’t chug Scotch. It will fuck you up, and waste a lot of delicious Scotch. I’m guessing it’s delicious Scotch, because you’re extremely rich, you’d better have the good shit, or what’s even the point of being Aaron Rodgers?
Respectfully yours, Allison Shoemaker