GIF: NBA

Boston Celtics player Jayson Tatum collided with a beer-holding fan during a Tuesday night playoff game agains the Milwaukee Bucks, and absolutely nothing happened. We have questions.

To be fair, the first is more an appreciation than a question. Tatum appears to slightly twist his body to avoid fully colliding with this well-sweatered Celts fan, then manages to right himself on the back of a chair instead of inadvertently creaming a small child. How did he do that? I’ve seen NBA players sent careening into photographers and broadcasters and fans countless times. It’s like WrestleMania sometimes. What catlike reflexes does Tatum possess that make such a graceful feat possible? I am a Blazers fan, not a Celtics fan, so Celtics fans, tell me: is he always like this? Damian Lillard may have Lillard Time, but he doesn’t have beer-saving time. Am I a Tatum fan now?

Second: Does that guy have a top on his beer? Why don’t all stadium beers come with tops? Is this a rich person thing? People sitting courtside don’t suffer the sports rite of passage that is having a dude dump half an Old Style down the back of your shirt before saying, “whoa, my bad,” and leaving you to sit with a wet bra for three more quarters? Those living the courtside life don’t get to experience the unique pleasure that is a slice of pizza moistened with light beer-spillage? Excuse the pun, but plastic tops for $12 beers seems like a slam-dunk of an idea. Why isn’t this concept as dominant as the ‘92 Bulls?

Third: Sir, I’m sincerely glad you’re not injured, and clearly so is Tatum, since he gave you that nice, reassuring elbow pat. But I’m concerned about your subdued reaction here. The full video shows you giving a pleasant little thumbs-up, but having one’s beer survive after a collision with a 6'8", 205-pound human is a damned miracle. Can we get a little exuberance next time, please?