Just gonna come out and say this: Whoever is running 7-Eleven’s Instagram account knows exactly what they’re doing to our emotions. Why would they set our stomachs aflutter by teasing an Oreo “taquito cannoli” on Instagram when it’s not a real thing? What sort of monster would do this to the American public?
“BEHOLD THE TAQUITO CANNOLI,” reads the cruelest caption in the history of social media, followed by the clarification, “(It’s not real, but it’d be totally cool if it was) Wink wink nudge nudge twist twist dunk dunk.”
Let’s take a quick moment to analyze this whole situation. First, someone in the 7-Eleven organization had an idea that could quite possibly make the company bajillions of dollars. This was likely followed by dozens of meetings, emails, and meetings that could have easily been emails, at which point it was perhaps decided that instead of making this dream a reality, it would be easier just to make the Oreo Taquito Cannoli in Photoshop and use it to prank hundreds of thousands of people during a time when we are all desperately seeking even but a shred of good news.
Maybe the caption is so quick to debunk itself because 7-Eleven suspected people might mindlessly share the post without reading the caption, which would in turn inspire the masses to drop everything and make a beeline for the nearest 7-Eleven, only to have their hearts shattered. But hey, even if that did happen, it’s just as likely that those customers would then numb their pain with Slurpees and pizza (which I can tell you from personal experience is not the best move). Whatever the plan was, it was unnecessarily cruel, and I shall not forgive 7-Eleven for it until at least 3 p.m. today, when I’ll need to run over there for a Cherry Coke Zero Big Gulp.
In response to 7-Eleven’s lies, Oreo’s social media team commented, “711 billion likes and it’s a deal,” then reposted the image to its own Instagram with the caption, “We aren’t even mad at this, @7Eleven #unrealcollab.” Could this dream collaboration one day become a reality? All we need is for every person on Earth to create 95 fake Instagram accounts that like 7-Eleven’s post. It’s long past time for us to come together to make the world a better place, so let’s get cracking.