According to a new poll conducted by OnePoll on behalf of bread brand Dave’s Killer Bread, 62% of Americans want “second breakfast” to be officially recognized. Who they want this official recognition from, I don’t know. I was not aware there was some sort of governing board setting rules about when I’m allowed to eat, nor would I ever submit to their whims. Hell, I’ll eat six breakfasts before noon if I want to. The power is ours! I would suffer in ways that I’ve never experienced, but I’d rather ooze bacon grease out of my pores than relinquish my personal freedom to some shadowy, tyrannical meal-regulating organization. These sort of sponsored polls beg to be scrutinized, because if we don’t, it could be the end of democracy as we know it.
Of the 2,000 respondents, 70% admitted to engaging in illicit second breakfast activities, admitting that it makes them feel more energized. OnePoll did not disclose whether or not those who had been polled were allowed to remain anonymous, or if they were offered any sort of protections from the Federal Bureau of Big Breakfast.
If you or someone you love is indulging in second breakfast, now you know that there is no reason to be living in shame. Let’s all start talking more freely about the three-egg omelets we smuggle into the ladies bathroom to scarf down away from possible narcs. If we don’t do this now, we’ll be living in fear forever.